Wanglor: Tales of the Wang

Wanglor: The Wedding

2009-03-15T16:30:00.002+10:00

Some of you may know from our facebook status....god bless facebook, never was there a better way to stalk your friends, anyhow the sizzlord and the sadsack have tied the knot. Married life is different to what I was expecting...mostly because the sizzlord refuses to be the bitch in the relationship even though he is clearly a woman and I'm a ferocious lion of a man. We decided after several years of friendship that it was finally time to take things to the next level.

The wedding was amazing, Chris was naturally the best man, he kept the rings safe...in his anus and insisted that we give him a prostate exam during the ceremony to get them on our fingers. Paddington bear supervised the proceedings as he gave away the bride...he also got a little frisky with the flower girl. The honeymoon was short and sweet, mostly because I have problems with premature ejaculation and the sizzlord gets full after one swallow. We had our first baby the next morning...a brown baby boy, like most loving new parents we kept him around for a good 20 minutes before saluting and flushing him away.

First post since moving away...we sort of let things go to the shit with the blog so I'm going to try to get back into it, I'll post some updates about Tville soon and hopefully get the boys back into it as well.

Cuntpark

2007-11-27T22:35:00.000+10:00

I made up a new word today:

Cuntpark

When it is an absolute cunt to get a carpark.

E.g. At christmas time, it's really hard to park in this cuntpark.

EDIT: Chris and I coined another term:

Cunt parking

The act of cutting in front of someone elses car park when they have clearly been waiting and signalling that they are giong to occupy that spot. Especially appropriate at busy holiday times.

It's also an informal sport.

Eat This

2007-08-31T20:07:00.000+10:00

Fuck it's been a long time. We really need to blog more often. Anyhoo 3 of the 4 Casa boys are sitting around one night and as we do, we start talking about chicks and lube. Somehow it comes out that Danny has lube that taste like honey that he eats. I fail to believe this until Danny grabs the bottle and squeezes some out. Yeah sure enough it tastes like honey and you CAN eat it. I only had a bit dribbled on my fingers, but what would stop someone from putting a whole bunch on a sandwhich.

And eating it.

For five dollars.

Well nothing apparently.
As you can see by the video Danny really did eat the fucking thing and proved to us that his diginity is worth a measly 5 dollars.

Gettin' Busy

2007-06-11T17:53:00.001+10:00

At the Casa, we like to follow the phrase "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." As such, we enjoy living life to the full. I'd like to present an image equation for you, to properly explain this mindset.

+

+

=
(after only five minutes)

And there endeth the lesson. Luftwaffe.

Don't Judge Us

2007-05-03T00:19:00.000+10:00

One of our favourite sayings in the house is "Don't Judge Me", since we all have randomly odd sexual habits that we cop shit for from the other boys. While trolling the net for such porn, Danny came across a animated gif with a variety of slogans and Toilet sign looking people. Our favourite was the guy sleeping with the disabled chick, simply titled: Don't Judge Me. So we put it on a shirt. ENJJOOY!!!

Don't Judge Us

This. Is. CCAASSSSAAA!!!!!

Paddington's Day Out

2007-04-23T17:40:00.000+10:00

Before going anywhere every bear knows to take a dump.

Paddington looks out upon the world eagerly awaiting his day out.

More looking.

Paddington goes to the supermarket.

Paddington goes to the Gabba.

Paddington has a beer at the plough.

Paddington gets some sun.

Paddington gets even more sun.

Paddington goes to the casino.

Paddington back at home, hanging himself.

Feelings

2007-04-22T19:11:00.000+10:00

Where did they come from? Who invented them? And what do they mean? Nobody really knows the answer to any of these questions, some time during the women’s rights garbage which happened in the 20^th century women brought up this concept of feelings to further their argument. Of course the real people were stumped, we had no idea what these feelings and emotions were that women were claiming we had hurt.

Ever since the empowerment of women they have continued to use this trump card…feelings, emotions, hormones. Get real people, it’s a trick to whip us back into line, we fell for it 50 years ago and we are still falling for it now. I mean think about all the things which apparently hurt their ‘feelings’ “You forgot my birthday”, (like I even remember my own) “I wanted to orgasm too”, “You slept with my sister!” And they believe we should regret these things because of their ‘feelings’ I think if we had feelings we wouldn’t have done this shit in the first place.

Men are no longer wearing the pants now though, with every hurt feeling claim that we let pass us by we slip deeper and deeper into pussy whipped bitch status which does not sit well with the Sadsack, after all Chris and I are both far too familiar with pussy whipped bitch status. Speaking of Chris this was meant to be a collaborated piece however he has not deemed to provide me with his precious time to finish this so I must push on alone. I would say my feelings were hurt by his lack of commitment however as previously stated I am a man and as such have no feelings.

P.S. First post since moving out, the casa is going great and we look forward to seeing all 2 of our avid readers here some time in the near future.

Chilling

2007-03-05T23:04:00.000+10:00

Yeah so long story short, GabSymes, SadSack, BLove and myself piled down to the coast on Sunday for some surfing RandR. I being the fool that I am decided to drive myself and GSymes down in my old soontobereplaced shit bomb of a car. The Car, I would like to point out, was delivered to storage in pristine condition when I left for my SE Asia trip. The radiator (a long running cluster fuck) was working fine, my tires where fine, everything was good. Now that I have it back I'm slowly finding a raft of fucking problems with the goddamn thing. One such problem is that my ugly radiator hassles have risen their ugly head again.

It started on Saturday when I drove to GSymes house. Half way their I look down at the dash to find my temp gauge in the "Holy fuck your car is about to explode" position. FUUUCCCKKKK. I spent 20minutes sitting under a bridge waiting for the car to cool down slightly enough to get me another 5km down the highway. At the Casa Del Symes I topped the bitch up with radiator fluid, oil (it didn't really need it) and everything else I could think of for the trip home. Problem solved I thought.

WRRRRROOOONNNGGGG. As the GSymes and I found out Sunday morning driving down to the Gold Coast. I was just pulling into a BP Maccas stop about half way through the trip when I observed the heat gauge was again in the "Holy fuck" position. What the Fuck says Sizzlord. And thus begins our trip down of stopping every 15min for 15min at servos to spray the engine down with water so that the car doesn't explode. Needless to say I was not impressed.

Fast forward a day and as we're leaving the coast I top everything up again, using the logic that I had a leak or some shit and because I topped the car up Saturday, it was all gone by Sunday, so if I topped it up at the start of the trip, the car would be fine. Wrrrroooonnnggg again Sizz. The car made it 30min into the 1hr10 trip before hitting the "Holy Fuck" position again. I freak out, haul arse off the highway and end up parking in a shady spot of a carpark belonging to some IT firm. After tending to the engine with a nearby hose I had nothing to do except sit back and wait for the car to chill. So I says to myself "Sizzlord if the car is chilling, so should you".

I realised that I had in my possession one iPod, one bag of CCs, one tub of Dip, and a small shopping bag of semi-cold beer. Oh yes children, people coming out of said IT firm were greeted with the magnificent site of a dirty Sizzlord leaning against his busted overheating car, listening to duff, smashing down a beer and munching on CCs and dip while watching traffic. I got a few odd looks but wisely, nobody said a fucking thing.

To tell you the truth the whole thing was actually quite peaceful. I had perfected this kind of "shit happens" calm while travelling in the SE Asia. When things fuck up and you can't really do anything about it, there's no point getting angry. So I just chilled the fuck out instead, it was good. So good in fact I repeated the exercise sans beer about 5 times as I slowly leap frogged my fucking car back to Brisbane. Total travelling time? 3hrs5min. Fucking radiator.

[Edit: The cursed GabSymes appears to have already written about our trip down. But since I went to all the effort of typing out my version of it, you get stuck with the effort of reading it all again. Suckas.]

Chasing Cars

2007-03-05T15:35:00.000+10:00

I swear karma is getting some form of perverse pleasure out of getting me to travel in someone else's car. The Wanglor Elite went and had a mini-weekend down at the Loveshack (pictured below) last night, and we invited a few close friends down to share in the revelry. We went down Sunday, partied hard Sunday night, and most of us came back today to revisit the real world where thinking is encouraged and debauchery isn't tolerated in public places.

It was a good night down the coast, and a great way to chillax with some good friends. Oddly enough, my tale revolves not around the destination, but the journey to and from.

I hitched a lift down in Sizzlord's car. Now, the Sizzmobile has developed a nasty habit of overheating. It's falling apart at the seams after four years of hard labour, but thankfully a new Sizzmobile will be on the roads in about a week's time. Ol' Blue has served Sizzlord well, and has been a part of many humourous stories. In this particular case the car decided, in it's infinite wisdom, that halfway towards the Loveshack in the middle of the M1 was the perfect time for it to get a bit hot under the collar.
So out we get, give the car some time to cool down, pour water over the constantly sizzling Sizzmobile's engine block, and pull into every servo we see on the way to replenish our makeshift coolant supplies.

We finally arrived, somehow, 2 hours later at the Loveshack. Not a fun way to start a miniweekend! We decided to start getting our drink on, and and a night of hilarity and fun doth ensued.

The next morning, our lovely friend Ames gave me a lift back into town so I could attend (and I use the term loosely) uni. We're driving along the same M1 heading back, and her car starts shuddering and shaking.

"Ooh, I don't like the sound of this."
"Sounds like a flat, Ames."
"Probably. But look, it's fine now. What was it?"
"Fucks me. Weird though."

Two minutes later, the front right tire literally explodes. Ames to her credit voices a few choice phrases, slows down and pulls off into the median strip. My only outward reaction is to exude an aura of calm so the both of us don't flip out at what quite possibly could have just killed us.

There's a moment of silence in the car, Ames gripping the steering wheel, and me looking at Ames.

"Well, that was interesting," I finally say.

We jump out of the car and check out the tire, and I couldn't help but laugh. The damn thing had just EXPLODED! How random is that? Pieces of the tire are everywhere and the main rubber outer is skewiff around the rim.
With me still giggling, we work together and exchange the remnants of the old tire for the perfectly usable spare in the back. And the weirdest thing about the entire experience was the little thought in the back of my mind that the Sizzmobile fucked up on the way down, and now the Amesmobile had fucked up on the way back.

I fear for the lives of anyone in the third car I get into. Please, think of the children. Don't offer Gabe a lift. It could be your last. Karma is a vengeful elephant.

A Very Sizzlordy Valentines Day

2007-02-13T16:15:00.000+10:00

Ahhhh Valentines Day. Yes children indeed it is that time of year again, when the world gets decked out in pink, millions of chocolates and roses walk out shop doors, and people who ignore each other for every other day of the year get together to do something romantic. While that's all well and good my favourite part about Valentines Day is the inevitable shitstorm of rants by people who have some gripe or whinge about VDay. And here, to them and you, is my counter-rant.

Ahem.

I'm going to kick this baby off by destroying the most common form of rant against Valentines Day: the "oh my lord it's so commercialised, it's not about love at all anymore". Jesus Christ what are you a fucking communist?!?!? It's called capitalism motherfucker. VDay has always been about showing your love and to show your love to a woman, you usually (I mean always) have to buy shit. So heaven forbid some entrepreneurial person would try to charge money for goods and services to cater to this captive market. It's only a heaven sent opportunity to make a huge sum of money off a global market by providing lovey-dovey shit for a single day when a human being, slash man, needs to satisfy his woman enough with material goods to get sex. If you've got a problem with the financial principle presented here, then get back behind the Iron Curtain you Stalin loving cunt.

Second only to the overcommercialisation bullshit is the "I'm single so I'm going to cry about Valentines Day because it's all about couples". Wrrrrroooonnnngggg. Valentines Day is all about the expression of love which, here's a thought, you don't need to be in a relationship to love somebody. Buy something nice for your parents, treat one of your good friends to lunch, buy your fucking dog something nice. If you're emo enough that no one actually loves you, show yourself some self love and fucking kill yourself and spare me the pain of having people talk about your rants you depressive son of a bitch. What's even worse than this is chicks who complain about being single on VDay and how crap it is. Considering it's an entire day totally devoted to the expression of love from men to women, have a cry motherfucker!!! Why don't you use the precious braincells you have left and write a rant about the gender bias and inequality of a day where one sex demands and expects love from the other, rather than whining about how bad it is that it's expected for you to receive presents.

Speaking of inequality brings me nicely to my third favourite type of VDay rant, the "Thanks to feminism and the empowerment of woman, chicks demand to be treated like princesses enough, why should we add another horrific day of glorification?". If your woman has more power over you in a relationship then you're not utilising a little biological mixture called testosterone enough!!! Your significant other shouldn't be able to breathe, she's swimming so deep in a cloud of your manliness. Western woman have come into their own in what, the last 40 or so years? Men have been arse kicking their way to glory since we were still fucking primates. While Valentines Day is an excellent oppurtunity to open up public debate on the current emasculation of men, the kind of concerted organised movement that needs to be created to effect any sort of change needs to happen on a grass roots, every day level. In other words you need to stop being such a fucking baby in your relationship, develop a semblance of the KRUM, and lay some motherfuckin' law down. Maybe then you can stop annoying me by writing shitty posts about what a ball-less piece of shit you are.

And last but not least I'd like to take this opportunity to address the people who come out of the wood work and announce to the world that relationships aren't all about one day and that you need to do something special all the time and that it means more. I actually agree with this but sit down and shut the fuck up arsehole, as far as I can recall nobody asked for, or gives a flying fuck, about your opinions.

I believe you have been served Mr Symes.

Sizzlord is a twenty-one year old professional bum, who just spent the last three months drinking and fucking to excess in far flung South-East Asia. He has only had a "serious" relationship once and he didn't quite like the chick, making him the perfect person to talk about Valentines Day and love. He enjoys excessive drinking, snorting Valium and writing bios in the third person. He is better than you.

Mid-Rant: Steak and BJ Day

2007-02-13T15:51:00.000+10:00

In the middle of the four Valentine's Day rants, I thought I'd throw in this little baby, courtesy of Tom Birdsey.

Steak and Blowjob Day

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-12T18:39:00.000+10:00

The day of love, the day of people getting together or couples just celebrating being together, what a wonderful day to be alive and in love…wrong. It’s a day of men making mistakes, of harpies getting their way and of women being even more insecure and insane. My good friend Gabriel Symes mentioned it being a day where a woman can tell her man she just wants to cuddle and talk about feelings instead of make love, however I say when is there a day when a woman can’t say this? After all we all know that women are evil succubi who simply want to torture us for their own gratification and nothing gets a woman off quicker than watching a man squirm while he tries to talk about feelings (feelings rant coming soon).

Women hold so much power in relationships but they still want a day to celebrate their ability to create a pussy whipped bitch? I can understand a single woman feeling the need for a day like Valentine’s Day. Where a secret admirer can buy her gifts and sweep her off her feet in the romantic display that she has always dreamed of while masturbating over her emo rock star clippings. But I ask you do we really need a day dedicated to trying to get people together or keep them together by ‘celebrating their love’? If you can’t gutsy up the courage to tell that hottie you want to let her play ping pong with your testicles without the day of love backing you up then you really do deserve to be a pussy whipped bitch. And if you can’t hold your relationship together without a preset day each year just to be happy that you have someone then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

No this day is not necessary, it is a leach upon society but especially sucks the blood of men into their succubi mates for them. A day where your significant other should be treated like a princess, even though she is still just as demanding and domineering the rest of the year. Why do they need a day to be pampered and in charge when that is basically a relationship to begin with and god forbid you sign up to have and to hold, because all you will be having is a headache and all you will be holding is her handbag.

All of this really does beg the question however, for all we men have to do to acquire and keep a woman why are days then made to destroy us in our goal for pussy, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays, forget one of these and you might not be back on your pussy quest for quite some time. Just ask Johan what can happen when you attempt to ignore a special woman day. Furthermore where are days for men to celebrate our cunning and ability to put up with women, we get what…Father’s Day? Which requires sticking through it long enough to actually have a child and then your kid is expected to buy you shit with money that you give him (and I say him because daughters do not need to buy things for their dad because according to their mothers women are better than men).

Is it too much to ask that we men get one day in the year where we can come home and lay down in bed and say “Sorry honey, I don’t really want you to talk I just want you to suck my penis, swallow my load and then let me go to sleep”. We work hard putting up with women on a daily basis, some of them we aren’t even trying to sleep with but we still put up with them out of the kindness of our hearts. To all the women out there please do me a favour and support Shutup and Suck it Day, gifts will include things like body chocolate, oil, porn and a relaxing evening of no nagging just the pleasant squelching sound of you sucking some dick.

Sadsack is the cynic of the party, nothing in this world is too good for him to destroy with his negative attitude and overall distaste for all things. Like his fellow wangers he enjoys the brew and the postity post. Most of his work can be found here on wanglor, plans for an online comic are in the works at present but nothing official has been released.

Valentine's Day: Why?

2007-02-12T16:52:00.000+10:00

A Rant by GabrielSymes

A dear friend of mine recently ranted about Valentine’s Day and how, as a single girl, she feels disgusted and dismayed by the romantically sickening behaviour exhibited by most, if not all, couples on Valentine’s Day.

Admittedly, it’s her first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, with hopefully no more to come. It’s not her fault, its circumstance. But the point remains. Valentine’s Day: Why?
Why does Western society (and yes, it is only a western concept now being heavily marketed in Asia) actively promote such a heinous day of romantic sap, admissions of love, and grotesque displays of public affection? And why, if it is promoted, is it also accepted?

Two questions. Two very similar answers.

The first is to why the day is promoted. The simple answer is pure capitalist commercialisation, and thats a topic that every human being on the planet can understand. We all know the day is about making money (or as Hallmark Inc. like to say Team America style "Holy Shit! It's Christmas x 2356!"). And that's far too easy a topic to argue. So we must look deeper. The commercialisation must have a basis; there must be a reason why people are willing to pay copious amounts of beer tokens (i.e. money) for goods and services that would otherwise not even be considered unless they had committed an ineffable sin such as ‘forgetting an anniversary’ or ‘just wanting to say I love you (I had sex with my hot blonde secretary so I’m assuaging my guilt)’. The goods and services reference is of course to flowers, chocolates, and those fucking annoying miniature teddy bears that serve no actual purpose unless they’re used to smuggle drugs out of a third world country via UNESCO and / or the Red Cross.

So what could this reason be? And the reason, my dear readers, is that Valentine’s Day is not a two way street. It’s not designed for romance to be encouraged between men and women. It’s designed for a woman to bask in the encouraging feelings of self-worth and the reassurance that they are, indeed, loved for "who they are". You give me one female of the species who receives no messages or indications of affection on Valentine’s Day, and I will show you a female of the species THIS CLOSE to becoming a radical feministic antichrist and massacring her entire friendship circle in a Gatorade-infused satanic pagan ritual.

Yes, that’s the end result that occurs when we men don’t show that we care for the fairer sex.

And one word there is the key; men. Men do not perform any Valentine’s Act for ourselves; we receive nothing in return except ‘affection’ and ‘her undying love’, two emotional reactions which can radically switch direction at any given moment depending on the mood of the aforementioned female and her perceptions of your alleged indiscretions or ‘issues’. We perform these acts simply to reassure the woman in the relationship that we are indeed pushed under their heel, that their methods of control are in fact working (withhold sex for a month and you’ll understand the methods I’m talking about), and that the sinister workings of her mind are working in complete concordance with the world around her.

The day is not about romance. It’s about control. And if a day purported to be all about romance is in fact not about romance, it brings us to the second question; why is it accepted?

And that reason is that women want an excuse to show off something in public to their friends, to the general population, and to the entire world at large something that are given / shown on every single other day of the year in private. The universal social acceptance is that for one day of the year, women want to show us off, and men are willing to have a ball and chain tied around both our left and right testicles and be dragged around as showpieces displaying our levels of affection and care via the purchasing of increasingly expensive gifts and larger and larger sizes of flower bouquets, jewellery, and teddy bears. The reason we as men are accepting of this is the aforementioned power and control that the women in the relationship have over our sex lives.

We accept it because our social conditioning ensures we accept it. As children, we’re encouraged to write Valentine’s Day cards to be delivered to other kids in pre-school class. As young adults, we see the older adults engaging in Valentine’s Day acts with no regard for the social or commercial consequences of their actions. And as older adults, we are conditioned to assume that we are predestined to perform those very same acts.

It’s not romance.
It’s not cute, it’s not cuddly, and it’s not an indication of how much we love you.

You already know how much we care for you, and it’s pointless to administer this lesson in emasculation to provide you with some glowing feeling deep in your loins that may or (as is often the case) may not lead to sexual gratification of any kind. I again point to an example where this is the one night of the year when the woman can go "Baby, let’s just cuddle, ok? I want to see how much you love me by not letting you roger me five ways from Sunday. Now let’s watch the marathon of Sex and The City and talk about our feelings. By the way, my mother is coming over later."

Valentine’s Day is an overcommercialised, overhyped, overplayed, overused, overrated emasculation of the male of the species. It’s nothing more, and simply nothing less, than a day to reassure women around the world that they’re "loved". And by loved, I mean in control.

But as a final point, lets say that Lennon and McCartney were right and that all you need is love. If you need that love to be proven to you and paraded around in front of every person on the planet, then you don’t really know what love is and couldn’t hope to find it in a shoebox full of porn.

Rebut away, Mr. Sizzlord. Rebut away.

GabrielSymes is The Man Who Was Thursday, and is currently based in situ around the world. He calls Brisbane home more often than not, and likes the odd beer or twelve. View more of his writings on Wangthai, and plans are in motion to have an opinion blog set up post haste.

Valentine's Day Rants

2007-02-12T16:46:00.000+10:00

Ladies and gentlemen, a challenge was issued and has been answered by four of the five Wanglor Elite. We are to rant on the topic of Valentine's Day. No limitations aside from several restrictions on people/couples we know. Collaborative efforts are allowed. Our aim is to offend as many people as possible in our one sided mysognistic rants against the day that is St Valentine's.

Bring on the rants.

Night Clerks 2: Do you believe in that?

2007-02-09T12:58:00.000+10:00

The other night we were having some pizza and people were complaining that we had no chocolate, so Tristan and I took off down to the local servo in search of some late night munchies. 30 seconds after we'd passed through the door, we'd found exactly what we wanted and proceeded to the register to pay for our food. Now I've previously mentioned how its possible for the night clerks to fuck with you and it appears that this guy had exactly that idea. As I was paying for the chocolate, he spotted I was wearing my evolution shirt, which has a diagram of a man evolving from an ape through to a man and then a man with a beer.

Attendant: Do you believe in that?
Me: Believe in what?
Attendant: Evolution
Me: Umm, yeah (sensing trouble)
Attendant: I don't, all the answers are in the bible

Now... seeing the impending danger from the attendant who is quite obviously of a middle eastern decent, I've started to get ready for a quick escape. In a fantastic counter move, the guy has placed the chocolate on his side of the counter making it impossible for me to make the quick exit without looking like a complete jerk. Quickly seeing that he has the upper hand he begins lecturing me about how the bible/koran has predicted both the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and how something massive is coming. I also got to hear stories about the creation of earth, my personal favourites were the adam's apple story and the salty sea story.

Apparently the story of why man has an adam's apple is because while in the garden of eden he decided to listen to Eve and chow down on an apple that he wasn't supposed to and as punishment he was chucked out and given a lump in the throat. The salty sea story was somewhat related being about Adam too. Story here goes that he was so unhappy that he betrayed his god and cried himself a sea (not like an emo who would decide he had to provide the sea with blood from cuts off his wrist).

Believe it or not, the story gets more interesting...

Attendant: Now I'm a second year biomedical student and they're teaching me all of this stuff about evolution, it makes it very hard for me.
Me: Unhuh
Attendant: But you have to follow your beliefs, my friends have cut me off because of it

Now, if you decide to believe in a religion thats fine... I respect that. At what point can a person go to university to study biomedical science and then decide to disregard a fundamental theory that science is based on? I mean seriously, you're talking about the fact that cells adapt and evolve to their environment... If you can't deal with the fact that it happens and has alot of scientific weight behind it then you probably shouldn't be in the biomedical field. Reading a book isn't going to stop bones being dug up and scientists watching things on a smaller scale (cells) evolving and mutating. You can't just decide that the earth isn't the millions of years old that the same scientific processes you're going to be using have proved.

I actually thought I may never run into a person that has interpreted religion/religious scripture so literally. If you want to believe something is out there and that something kicked off the universe then thats fine. Disregarding modern science is something from the middle ages and you're diluting yourself if you think that the bible/koran is still the definitive on how everything happened. Something that got written a few thousand years ago is bound to have some errors along the way somewhere, for all we know the bible may not have even got a proof read. So sure, believe but don't turn it into a literal translation.

This was actually meant to be a quick 5 minute trip to grab some chocolate and I ended up with some dude lecturing me about religious beliefs.... I managed to escape shortly after he told me he didn't believe in drinking either... I hope he got a great look of me drinking the rest of my beer as we bailed out of the place. I admire his fantastic move to stall me and generally make that 10mins in front of the counter some of the most uncomfortable I've experienced. It just proves that the average night clerk will do anything to hold up/completely root your night around.

Blendered Love

Debauchery

2007-02-07T22:25:00.000+10:00

It appears that even though the five of us are both countries and thousands of kilometres apart, we still manage to engage in debaucherous and some might even say lecherous behaviour bordering on the criminal and marginally criminally insane. A round of applause for us all.

Tonight I am feeling in an increasingly erudite and loquacious mood, thereunto leading towards a missive of increased verbosity and the prolongation of erstwhile unanimous incredulity should a prehistoric acumen such as Sizzlord's stumble across it.

....

Right, fuck that, its easier to write normally. Well done to the boys for engaging in what I've heard was an excellent endeavour at the Rubics Cube part-ay. And by boys I mean Sadsack. At least someone is carrying on the naked tradition eschued by Wanglor. What's with the no-show Mr.Love? Did the bright colours offend you? I told you that just because we're not around doesn't mean he can act like a little girl. But does he listen?

No. They never do. And that's a lesson we all must take on board.

Anyway, we just escaped (and I mean literally escaped, that town wouldn't fucking let us go) Vang Vieng, the party capital of the UNIVERSE. We are physically feeling like ratshit because four constant days of partying, drinking, walking, talking, tubing, and multidious other activities just knocked the shit out of us. So if you ever hear us complaining about being too tired for a party, just remind us of Vang Vieng. And we'll have all the energy in the world.

As for cunt and fuck, we find it increasingly difficult to not colour our comments with our favourite swearwords. It'll become a bit of an issue when we get home and we, say, stub our toe. "Fucking cunt fuck! Drew! Fucking OW!" will be my phrase, as I always need Drew to lean on when I kick my poor broken toe. Drew, on the other hand, will be more like an elongated "CUUUUUUUNTTTTTTT!" in the sense of "Khaaaaaaaaaan!" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. We're also quite fond of the words "piss", "fart", "dusseldorf" and "bratwurst", although the German name thing will need to be explained when we return.

The Return is approaching, gentlemen. Prepare thyselves. And thy happy holes.

Don't Censor Me Woman

2007-02-06T21:25:00.000+10:00

One of the greatest things about travelling in foreign countries is that they don't speak your language and usually when they do, they don't speak it very well. This allows people, say 2-3 Aussies travelling through South-East Asia, to swear with impunity anywhere, anytime with anything. Jono before he left us was actually quite concerned that we'd gotten so used to it that he'd go home and start randomly saying "fuck" and "cunt" when talking to his family.

Adam and I are actually so used to it now that we had problem when we started travelling with the chicks Jess and Alli. Mainly because they don't like the word cunt and we use it as every third word (every second word is fuck). Given the fact that the girls back home also don't like the word cunt I took great delight in going apeshit and swearing with it constantly. Which lead to a vicious cycle. Alli in particular doesn't like it and took to slapping my head everytime I said it. As retalition I'd do something equally annoying and slap her arse. Apparently it's quite funny in a restaruant to see me say cunt, her: fucker!!! *wack*, me: bitch!!! *wack*, me: it's only cunt, her: FUCKER!! *WACK*, me: BITCH! *wack*.

The best part is that everyone other backpacker, including chicks, say it and it' hilarious to watch the massive shitstorm that erupts when our girls go psycho about it to other people. Hopefully we can catch it on film soon and post it :P So yeah not much of a story but I'm fucking tired so eat shit.

Sizzlord

Rubix Cube Party

2007-02-06T20:34:00.000+10:00

We attended a rubix cube party for Amy's birthday, the idea is that you wear different colours of the rubix cube and then when the time comes each person is given a colour and you then have to swap clothing to amass as much of your colour as possible. Of course I believed that this party would lead to much drunken nudity while swapping clothes....how wrong I was. There was only one drunken and nude participant and I'm proud to announce that was me.

As you can see I was given the colour red...for those of you who don't know me I'm the near naked person covered in a mixture of red sashes, belts and hats. Although I was a large hunk of naked man meat I still ended up coming a joint first with two other people for having seven items of my colour. Other than my brush with public nudity the party was quite a success, many drinks were drunk, many wangs were photographed...ok just my wang, I really do wonder why Ben took that close up photo.

Unfortunately my compadre Blenderedlove was unable to attend the festivities and only showed up later for a brief period then buggered off and left me with a pair of overly horny birthday celebrants. I'm sorry to the thai travellers but your little angel may have been violated beyond repair before your return and you will need to take it easy on my fun tunnel.

P.S. I'm so glad I wore red underwear or else I really would have ended up naked.

Australia Day/Hottest 100

2007-01-30T20:33:00.000+10:00

Australia day was held at my joint this year in true aussie style. The plan was to get together as many people as possible for beers at my house and listen to jjj's hottest 100. The countdown kicked off at 10am which was when I was preparing for the 1pm start to festivities.
Dave and Liam arrived at12 with an inflatable bed and carton of beer which enabled us to get stuck into a few coldies before the rest of the crew arrived.

Everyone else rocked on in with drinks and meat after 1 and joined us beering it up in the pool for a few hours. The pool water was fantastic, a nice 23-25 degrees while the outside world cooked at a 35+. An Australia day party wouldn't be complete without a bbq, so in the traditional manner we cooked up far more meat than was acceptable (5kgs+) . Steak, chops, sausages, beer onions, potato salad and a distinct lack of side dishes were all present for the wonderful feast which followed. After lunch we were waiting around for our special phone call from Drew and Adam overseas which true to Adam style, was at least 1.5 hours after he said it would be. We passed the rest of the afternoon as the sun went down by downing nearly two cartons of beer and drowning each other in the pool.

The party went on well into the night and we hooked up the projector to watch some movies until late. The night finally wound down with Amy and Yarna being quite intoxicated while myself and Liam were not. Our initial plan didn't include getting rid of the entire carton that Liam had brought so quickly... We were forced onto the gin while chatting with Danny who was already quite intoxicated. Australia day here at home was a roaring success, done in traditional style as opposed to the pretenders overseas, definitely going to be repeated for when the boys finally make it home from tripping.

As for not updating.... suck my wang

Night Clerks

2007-01-30T20:13:00.000+10:00

Sadsack and I were out one night at a party consuming quite a bit of alcohol before the big drive back home. The truth is that we knew this was coming and you often have a decision hanging over your head for the whole night. Do you go for making toilet stops all the way home or put up with the uncomfortable time before you leave the party sober?. The particular place we were at was so bad that we were forced to continue drinking until at least the moment we left which meant the inevitable toilet stops.

Our last stop was at an all night service station which of course never has an open toilet. I walked in and grabbed the key off the guy at the desk who pointed Sadsack and myself outside and around the corner to the toilet. In our defense, this is where most of the toilets on service stations are so we continued walking around the corner only to find that all that was around the corner was another wall. As a reward for screwing around with us while intoxicated, he was treated to watching us on the monitor take a leak all over the rear wall of the store.

How cool would being a night clerk at a service station be? Can you imagine a guy walking in looking for a condom because he's just picked up a hot girl before he's come home from drinking. You'd be able to make this dude do just about anything before you actually agreed to sell him any. His whole getting any would completely be dependent on what kind of night you were having beforehand.

Australia Day Vietnam

2007-01-27T17:20:00.000+10:00

So you can read about our Australia Day on Wangthai, but what about you guys? Howsabout a post on the shenanigans at Casa del Chriso, with included photos?

The Return, by the way, is a fucking AWESOME idea. Sort out details soon. And Chris, what possible excuse do you have for NOT posting on Wanglor in so long? It doesn't have to be a literary masterpiece, have a rant about something! Or perhaps a rundown of BDO? With photos! I'm loving this photo thing. Technology is grand.

PS: Check out that BEARD! And I've still got 4 weeks to go! It's MASSIVE!

The Return

2007-01-25T17:16:00.000+10:00

I have decided that some weekend after the return of the thai travelers that we should go to the coast while it is still summer, I am sick of going down there when it is freezing and wondering how I miss going during summer every freaking year. So I propose a saturday evening departure with a monday morning return, I am posting this here because I am too lazy to root around through email addresses and actuall wait for responses, this way I know everyone in the world has read it and everyone will be there!

It will be a wangevent of legendary proportions involving drinking, wanging, alcohol, man on man love, man on goat love, dirty bbqs and of course beach shenanigans (did I get it right Adam? I don't use stupid words enough). So even if you fuckers aren't up for it after getting back...well I honestly don't care you will be there or I'll just leave you stranded at the airport and we can all pretend that you haven't returned yet until you change your mind.

P.S. Chris keeps telling me that he is going to add a story to wanglor but hes a slack fuck, so if you are reading this Chris get with the postity post or I really will find someone to have sex with in your bed tomorrow, it would probably only take a few drinks falling into the right hands so don't think I won't do it!

Motherland

2007-01-13T23:05:00.000+10:00

So the boys told me I should be updating wanglor while they have been gone and honestly I've been a slack fuck. Between work and partying like a wild goat I have actually had plenty of time to update but just nothing to talk about so I figured I'd give a little shoutout to the boys and a brief overview of what has been going on for Blenderedlove and I.

Basically since you guys left in between the crying I have been trying to drown out the pain by surrounding myself with as many other people as possible...like that would cure my loneliness or something. So Chris and I have basically invaded the happy care house as often as possible, new years there was great, I don't remember much other than Chris assisting me in falling off the stairs by pushing me and then me holding his hair back while he clogged the sink with vomit.

After the festivities we have tried to be there every few days, Chris is even asking for a key to the house which I'm sure is on its way. Anyhow for the Sizzlord I have some interesting news, I saw subway girl at work today and she is STILL with fetus, I swear it has been like 11 months now and she is fucking HUUUUUUUGE. At some point I am going to have to take a stick to her belly and hope the fucking thing comes out....hopefully without altering her boob size because those things are glorious.

Hope you boys are enjoying every minute of your trip, can't wait until your return so we can have muchos partios, I don't even care if you are partied out you are drinking with Chris and I until we are all sick of having sex with each other.

This Post is Shit

2006-12-20T23:59:00.000+10:00

The Bus Toilet.
I feel the urge to share something special with everyone. Today we went from about the middle of Thailand to the Southern section by buses. We spent a 7 hour stretch in this particular behemoth and occasionally my guts would drop and I would feel the urge to shit. Being a pretty crap bus I really, really did not want to use the toilet but after about 6 hours and another gut drop I'm like "fuck it, how bad could it be". Oh...my...god.

Take a normal telephone booth. Halve it vertically, squish it horizontally a little bit and then install a toilet. The first fucking challenge was there was a lock on the outside of the loo, but not on the inside. Hmmm. And there's a pretty chunky hole in the floor, where you can see the road rushing by beneath and the floor around it creaks. Hmmm. Undeterred I sit down to begin. Nothing. Despite all my gut dropping, I farted a bit and then nothing. After about 5min of trying my bowels squeezed out a half-hearted loaf and that was it. Sigh.

Up to this point I was holding onto the door handle so that some poor sap would come down and be treated to a sight of me shitting when they hauled upon the unlocked door. Now of course I had to wipe. One fucking handed. In this tiny little space, I had to improvise, switching hands, pulling all sorts of tricks to wipe my behind AND keep the door secure. Occasionally I would have to quickly take my hand off, do something with two hands, fear of someone opening the door mounting, and then BAM slam my hand back on the handle. Okay so mission successful so far.

I turn around to flush. There's no flushing mechanism. The only thing vaguely resembling a button is this funky little yellow one on the wall that looked like a Call Attendant air flight button. No fucking way am I calling an attendant to the crapper, how the fuck do you flush this cunt. After searching and searching I couldn't find anything else, so fuck it I pressed it. BBOOOOMMM water shoots out of the sides of the bowel and spray ever. I slam the lid down but that only diverted the flow out through the loose side and into the cubicle. FFFUCCK, I leapt on top of the toilet as part of the toilet paper and shit went down the loo and the rest sprayed out and spread all over the floor. It gushed about for a bit and then made it's way slowly but surely through the hole in the floor and out onto the road.

So I gingerly step down from the tiny space above the loo I was hiding, past the remnants of my bog and flee the toilet. The only upside was that I got a story out of it, but jesus christ next time I'm holding.

The Most Peaceful Bog Ever
The normal Thai toilets are squat toilets. Danny knows what I'm taking about. There a regular kind of toilet bowel, sunk into the ground, with two foot grip things on either side. Obviously you squat down to take a dump. My first and quite possibly best time ever using on of these babies was when we we're trekking last week. In the early hours of the morning, Sizzlord snaps awake with the desire to go number twos. He crawls out from between Jono and Adam (I'm not joking) makes his way out of his village hut and, flashlight in hand, heads down to the Squatter.

The village is basically in the middle of a Thailand mountain jungle and the loo is out from the village slightly in the trees. So I prepare myself, squat down, and turn off the flashlight to conserve batteries. And thus I had the most peaceful shit ever. It was a cool evening but not to cold, there was a nice soft breeze blowing through the jungle and just a faint hint of moonlight. Using the loo was actually surprisingly comfy and easy to. I heaved a great sigh and to the magical noises of the world, did my business.

Even thinking about it now brings me into a state of serene peace. Ahhhhh....

Merry Christmas

2006-12-20T00:55:00.000+10:00

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!

We are the best presents ever.
Love Jono, Drew, and Adam

The Mighty Wang River

2006-12-12T15:53:00.000+10:00

Yeah so yesterday, as part of a 3 day mountain trek we all went on, the three of us ended up bamboo rafting down the Mighty Wang River (MWR). As it turns out it was about 30cm deep the entire way, except for the rapids, but I put that down to the fact that it's the dry season and the MWR is in a flacid state. Come the rainy season I'm sure it turns into an engorged, seething rush of crisp thai mountain water.

What's doubly odd is we actually found the Wang river on google before we left, and made the half hearted statement that we would find it and sail down it. And low and behold with no effort we got taken directly to it and rafted down it. There is a god.

The best part of the whole experience is that towards the end we got off the raft and got to scramble up some chunky boulders so that we could jump about 5-10m back down into the river. Our guide now has an awesome video of the three of us screaming out "WWWANNNGG" as we jump down into the MWR. Expect to see it on YouTube sometime soon...

Edit: And here it is. Behold it's almighty GLORY!

24 Hours

2006-12-03T15:44:00.000+10:00

Holy shit in 24 hours GabSymes, myself, and The Other One will just be taking off on a 8 hour express flight to Bangkok for THREE FUCKING MONTHS in South East Asia.

Am I nervous/excited?!?! Yeah a fair bit. It's hard to get past my hangover at the moment tho.

For you poor suckers being left behind don't despair, you'll always have Wanglor. Depending on how bored we get we should be updating this thing fairly regularly with all the debachorous tales. In case anyone cares (though I highly doubt it) GabSymes has set up a G rated Wanglor blog for the trip @ http://wangthai.blogspot.com. It's mainly going to be used for updating the families apparently but hey if your bored or just can't get enough of us, it'll give you something else to kill the time.

Assuming anybody wants to get in touch, comment on the blog or send a email to GabSymes or myself (psychochicken@gmail.com).

See you all on the other side.

Wanglor

2006-11-25T02:24:00.000+10:00

As the great Sizzlord mentioned the photo of me half naked and running screaming through the streets of Sydney was not the original but in fact the second innings of my crazed wangings of that street. I was dared by my good wanglor comrades to run through the street waving my shirt above my head screaming "woop woop woop woop woop" for several Drew respect points and I accepted. However we did not have a camera for the first event and so it was requested that I perform the act once again for the camera so we could place the incredible banner of the event upon this blog. So for no reward I performed the event once more, however to my benefit the fellow wangers informed me that I would be allowed to create whatever Sydney dares I wished after that for the rest of the day.

So my good friend Gabriel Symes was asked after that to crab walk across the street screaming "woop woop woop woop woop" in front of a school excursion to one of the bridge support beams and then continue to hump said beam all on tape. After which the Sizzlord himself was pressured into approaching an exceptionally hot german bartender to ask her if he could have his friends take a photograph oh himself and the german bounty in a sexy pose ready for action.

To my gratification my friends came through for me during these troubled times and I am glad I accepted their challenge because the reward was worth it.

No german chicks were harmed during the production of the previous storylines and I hope that the boys contribute stories from Thailaind during thier visit. Blenderedlove and I would not like to be the only contributers to the almighty Wanglor during your absence, please appease that which is our only deity.

Graphical Things

2006-11-24T19:54:00.000+10:00

Due to the mind numbing boredom I endure before I fly out to Thailand, I got bored enough to hunt down a funky font and photo shop a title into one of my favourite photos in existance. I hope people like the changes and if not, you'll get used to them :) Randomly I decided to photoshop the logo onto another of my favourite pics. I think Mr. Symes face in the middle says it all.

P.S. Anybody curious about the pic used for the banner, the background is that it was taken in Sydney when Sadsack, myself and GabSymes went down for a week in 2005. Walking up one random street I told Sadsack to strip his shirt off and run screaming up the street, with his maniless being in peril if he didn't. Luckily he obliged and the result had me nearly shitting myself laughing. It was so funny the good sport did it twice so I could climb some stairs and take a photo. As for the photo above, fucks me I think it was taken in the Valley right before myself and Rob (on the right) molested, killed and ate Symes. It mit've even been in that order.

So there you have it, more changes are in the works since I don't see my boredom being lifted anytime soon, stay tuned.

The Most Confusing Bathroom Ever II

2006-11-21T22:20:00.000+10:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to interpret a second passage from the Book of Confusing Bathrooms.

Across Europe, my travel buddy B and I found it hilariously entertaining to see how signs in one language often had much shorter English translations underneath them. You always got the feeling that they were forgetting to tell us non-native speakers something IMPORTANT, like translating a half page of French down to "Don't turn toilet light on" should also be followed by "Oh yeah, this toilet has a habit of backing up in the middle of the night and covering your floor with a solid inch of last night's curry-and-kebab-explosive-diarrhoea shit. Welcome to France, you ENGLISH PIG DOGS!"

Luckily, our first experience was a chance encounter with a sign that was about seven lines long, stuck on (of all things) a toilet door in the train. We assumed the sign was explaining that the toilet didn't work, how the weather was at home, how the sign writer had a small wart on his big toe that was looking slightly shonky, and that you shouldn't trust a woman who holds up a sign saying Suck For A Buck. In English, this translated down to "This toilet don't work." I wisely chose to do my twosie in another toilet.

But my favourite toilet sign, and one which I took a photo of, was the sign placed on a toilet button underneath an internet cafe in Vienna. I think the sign explains itself fairly well, although I'm not exactly sure whether it's offering advice for what to do DURING your dookie-session, or AFTER. I leave it open to your interpretation.

The Most Confusing Bathroom Ever

2006-11-21T13:48:00.000+10:00

I was at my work Christmas party last Saturday and as I'm chilling on a stool waiting for dinner, one of my chums comes hussling up and excitedly tells me that he's got to show me something in the bathroom. Foregoing the obvious "what the fuck" question I'm about to follow him in when dinner is finally served. My chum describes to me how he came inches from peeing into the sink in the bathroom because it looked uncannily like a urinal. I was a little skeptical until we sat down to eat and another chum comes up excitedly. "Guys I just had the most fucked up experience in the bathroom. I think I just pissed in the sink and the boss's husband saw me."

The sink in this bathroom was what would normally be a metallic urinal trough except raised out of the floor and placed waste height. Chum2 walked in, thought the height was a little weird and began peeing. His then spotted the large mirrors placed at head height and wondered why anyone would place mirrors in front of a pissing trough. Although disconcerted he finished peeing. As he turned to find the sink to wash his hands, there stands the boss's husband staring at him oddly before backing away into a shitter cubicle. Chum2 does a complete 360 of the room without seeing any sinks. Back to where he started he finally noticed the large "Please wash your hands" sign and the water tapes sticking out of the wall above the urinal. The dude has mistaken the sink trough for the piss trough.

In his defence I did have a massive laugh at his expense before checking the loo out. And sure enough rather than having normal sinks, this place had decided just to scrap the urinal trough, raise it a meter and through some taps in. At least it serves as a one stop shop I guess.

Cirque Du Soleil

2006-11-19T17:30:00.000+10:00

So I went to Cirque Du Soleil last night and first let me start by saying there is no other place in the world where it is considered as ok for two mostly naked men to grapple with each other while flying around in the air. However getting past the obvious homosexual vibes coming out of some of these French men it was quite a good show.

The costumes this year were quite interesting, the storyline was of course difficult to follow, something about an angel whose wings get stolen and he meets a girl and chases after her and eventually they get married or something like that with lots of acrobatics in between.

There wasn't quite as many women or props in this years performance as compared to last years however they did still have the pair of comic relief performers coming in for the occassional interlude which was my favourite part of the show. After plenty of impressive tumbling and tricks the show closed by the female of our young angels dreams contorting in such a way as to prove to him that she really doesn't need a man followed by a wedding and more acrobatics.

Hopefully next year will be another great installment and I encourage everyone to go see it.

Contractual Agreements

2006-11-10T00:08:00.000+10:00

If relationships were contractural arrangements I can imagine at least one of the clauses.

Sect 12E
i- In the event of anything negative or that may not be favourable at any time during the past/present or future, the significant other is defined as 'the scapegoat'

ii - In the event of anything positive or favours yourself in any way shape or form, even if this is only implied, the significant other is defined as 'the bastard'

iii - In the event she's left you for another bloke, after destroying your life, the significant other is defined as 'the loser'

I actually wanted to get off the relationship commentary and relate back to businesses screwing over people through contracts, but I figured it'd just be too Dilbert. Eh, the horse isn't dead yet...

Amazing world

2006-11-09T16:59:00.000+10:00

The world can occassionally impress me, when a slamming hottie like Scarlett Johansson can drag some random guy into a car and give him a blowjob with her microphone still on and recording the whole time to the delight of the sound crew....but then everyone else is such a prude about everything. Honestly what is the big deal about sex? We all to some degree have something to do with sex, hell I haven't met anybody yet who has introduced themselves as being birthed from artificial insemination or being the child of a virgin.

Damn religion for creating this idea of sex as being something special between two people who are in love, it is just a fun thing to do between people, sure its more enjoyable when you are having sex with someone who you have deep feelings for, but isn't everything more enjoyable with that person? Sex doesn't magically become depressing just because you aren't in love with the person. For a world based on sex we are so immature when we criticise people for their choice of sexuality or sexual preferences or promiscuity. Swinging shouldn't be seen as some sinful creation, honestly what better way to keep a relationship secure than to both explore other aspects of sexual desire. One person cannot fulfill all of your fantasies and the more pressure you put on them to do exactly that the more you kill your own chances of having a stable relationship.

Greek, Spanish, spit, swallow, anal, missionary, doggie, threesome, foursome, moresome and fun....the more everyone got of these things would make one happy world. Anyone who can say they'd rather fight than bonk like monkeys is a liar or a creep. In closing this world is seriously fucked up and I wish I could just put on some Bob Marley and stink the house out with weed until people joined the ranks of the enlightened.

Women

2006-11-04T23:14:00.000+10:00

So I was having a little one on one time with God and he told me that women were in fact a mistake, he made one for himself and then of course Adam wanted one and look what has happened. Today they are constantly watching us, judging us and telling us what to do and at the same time we actually have to work to acquire one of these creatures.

I just do not get it, why do we have to put in all this effort to attract one of these creatures which were basically designed as a sex aide and only to realise that they actually are people of their own and bam that we don't want them anymore. I wish I lived in one of those countries where you could still buy a woman and no I don't mean by the hour, I mean one payment and then she shuts up makes my dinner and we lay together three times a week in sexual congress no questions asked and no expectations on her part to actually feel the least bit pleasured by the experience.

If only all men could go on a world wide strike until women started being people instead of just waiting until a man makes them a person and then they unleash all their pent up crazy on the man who has shown them nothing but affection. Please ladies, take out your crazy on the rest of the world, hell take up road rage I find it helps my stress levels incredibly well but I implore you to take a look at a man who is just trying to impress you so he can get into your pants and cut him some slack...at the end of the day it's just like medicine, swallow it fast before it starts to burn.

The 24 Hour Rule

2006-10-31T22:28:00.000+10:00

Just for Emma:

When attempting to chat up a girl, there are several unknown factors that come into play that dramatically affect your ability to succeed. Most guys have been affected by the 24 hour rule but haven't known of its existence. The 24 hour rule states that: After starting the tuning period, if without a good reason you fail to continue or have a lapse of enthusiasm for more than 24 hours you automatically lose all progress made and get moved back to the 'just friends' pile. The existence of the 24 hour rule is constantly being debated and some argue that 24 hours makes no difference. 24 hours is normally the minium time period before this rule comes into play but depending on the female in question, the figure can be much higher.

Lets take an example, guy is going after a girl. After 2 dates for lunch etc he figures all is going well and decides to take a day for himself where he doesn't message the girl. This girl who was previously into him, decides that maybe she doesn't really like him that much anymore. The next day he messages... unfortunately for him he doesn't know that any move from this point is irrelevant. After having not kept the process going and not provided adequate excuses for the absence the 24 hour rule came into play putting him into the 'friend zone'

And now we move on from the 24 hour rule and towards the root of the problem: female empowerment. Hippies in the 60s and 70s caused a massive social change across Western countries from the staid values of the pre- and post-war eras and empowered both the public, minority groups, and women in particular with the ability to choose and control the course of their lives. The right to vote, the right to free speech, the right to have different attitudes and beliefs than was expected and still be accepted for it.

Yet problems such as the 24 hour rule still exist. How is this relevant, you ask? I'm sorry, but WHY exactly, when you finally have the power to choose and decide yourself, must the MEN be the reason for the failure in the tuning process? If 24 hours rolls around and you haven't heard from him, maybe, I dunno, you could MESSAGE HIM and initiate contact? You don't have to sit around and wait for the next contact so you can discuss with the girls about how he asked you out. Is it that hard for you to set up the next date? Something along the lines of "I had a good time the other night, would you like to catch a movie on Friday?". Yes, we know those are some crazy concepts, but bear with us. Obviously there's a mutual attraction; admittedly some men don't get the hint that you're not interested, but most of us are pretty savvy and can recognise a reciprocation of interest. So if there's a mutual attraction...why can't there be a mutual effort at communication?

There's always the complaint that "I don't know what you're thinking" or "We don't talk anymore." The problem doesn't lie with the relationship at that point, the problem lies way back at the start of the relationship and that crucial 24 hours. If we're constantly making the effort to communicate and tune, can't you at least do us the decency of tuning back? It's only fair. The hippies fought for your rights and emancipation from generations of slavery in the deep dark South. The least you can do is stop hiding behind old world values and become the women of tomorrow that you're supposed to be.

Blendered Love and Gabe

I am Aghast: Part Three

2006-10-15T18:18:00.000+10:00

Another work tale today. We're selling some Mistral washing machine for 50% off, so it's say $299 in stead of $599 or whatever. Some ancient, ancient ladies come up to me today and ask for the price, so I scan a ticket and tell them. The convo then turns to this:

Crone: So what's up with that notice I saw, isn't that illegal.

Sizz: ?

Crone: The notice, isn't that illegal? Is that why you're trying to get them off the floor?

Sizz: ??

Crone: Cuz I mean cmon you can tell us.

Sizz: I have no idea what you're talking about, what?!?!

[At this stage she points out a sticker on the display machine. It pretty much says that they made a fubar in the catalogue and misprinted the power consumption and load of the machine. So rather than ay 800kw an hour and 8kgs, its actually 700kw an hour and 6kgs]

Sizz: What about it?

Crone: Isn't illegal to have these things out then, is that why you're selling them for cheap?

Sizz: Why would it be illegal, they just had a misprint in the catalogue, there's nothing wrong with them they're just on sale.

Crone: Are you calling me a liar? [WTF?!?!?]

Sizz: urrrr no I'm just not really sure what you're talking about.

Crone: He's calling me a liar mabel!

Crone2: You can tell us what's wrong with them sonny, we won't tell.

Sizz: Nothing is wrong with them, it was just a catalogue misprint, there just 50% off.

[They do that smiling/joking thing ppl do when they think you're bullshiting them]

Crone2: Sure they're fine, we're not trying to buck the trend or anything, we want to buy one, we just, you know, want the truth!

Crone: And the price!

Sizz: ......I gave you the price at that start of this. And I'm not lying, you want to take it further go see the manager. Have a good day.

So I smile and take off at this point, wondering what the FUCK they were on. I find out later that they went down to the front and complained about me being unhelpful and a liar and then got into an arguement with the manager down the front about how the washing machines weren't busted.

Normally I would be certain that they were just trying to fuck with me, but you could see in their eyes they were deadly serious about getting to the dark conspiracy of why the misprinted washing machines were a fantastical 50% off. Good luck to them I say, I hope they stick it to the MAN!!

The only upside is that soon they will be dead and buried and with any luck their greasted impact in life well be this entry in a blog that only 5 people on the planet read.

Wanglor on Google

2006-10-14T16:18:00.000+10:00

By accident I found this today (I was trying to type Wrangler). I think the description Google gives pretty much sums us up.

Wanglor Classic: Sizzlord is a Dad

2006-10-12T17:43:00.000+10:00

I was cleaning out all my documents when I discovered this atrocity I committed months ago and I thought I'd share. Enjoy everyone.

[Set Up: Sizzlord is talking to a female friend of a friend on msn. At the same time I was slogging througha convo with a girl I used to date many years ago. Here's the transcript of my convo with the first lady (It's been cleaned up a fair bit ot make it presentable, but the words are mostly intact)]

Her: what is Sizzlord doing?

Sizz: talking to his ex ex ex gf

Her: what sorta juicy (shit) has the ex ex ex gf said?

Sizz: well turns out she's struggling to cope with the cost of our kid, so we're discussing child payment.

Her: I feel sort of awkward, are you joking?

Sizz: You think I'd joke about having a kid? Jesus I'm not a complete fuck.

Her: ok so how old is your kid?

Sizz: She's 2. She was born on the 14 of august 2003 at the Wesley, she's so gorgeous.

Her: what's her name?

Sizz: Aoi

Her: Aoi? Blue in Japanese?

Sizz: Yeah her mother picked it cause she's got blue eyes.

Her: is her mother japanese?

Sizz: yeah well her parents are, she was born and raised here.

Her: ahh i see, our age?

Sizz: yeah shes 21 in about a month

Her: werd could never have a child at this age. i can respect that someone could go through with that commitment

Sizz: yeah it was a bit of a shock but u gotta roll with everything

Her: i would have probably aborted

Sizz: yeah? thats pretty heavy

Her: i don't know. if it's heavy. i think there is less emotional involvement because you don't have to raise a child and change your lifestyle but that's what i would probably do in that ircumstance :)

Sizz: yeah i was against it to start with but i dunno, it kinda grew on me

Her: she is your flesh and blood. does she live in bris?

Sizz: yeah they live over at west end. well they do now anyway

Her: nice do you spend time with your daughter? the concept of somebody having a child is foreign to me i dont know anybody who does i only know of people

Sizz: yeah i try and see her a fair bit, not as often as i like. her and her mother used to live down and sydney which sucked balls but now there back its much better.

Her: I love sydney. i want to go there after i graduate. so how does your ex ex ex gf support herself and the baby? must be tough

Sizz: yeah shes got really rich parents and there fucking psychos but they help out and i do what i can but shes got a pretty good job doing graphics at some tech company so she makes a mint off them

Her: noice, lots of friends in bris?

Sizz: shes got a few old school friends i think thats about it we had a pretty bitter break up, were just getting back into it now so im like, reknowing this woman

Her: ah i see do you think you will have a relationship with this woman now? now that you're reconnecting with her?

Sizz: dunno, id like to be close for my daughters sake ahh there we go finally found a photo of her with her aunt

[Sizzlord shows her a random baby photo from google]

Her: of course

Sizz: its a pretty bad pic i cant remember where they took that. i think it was down in Sydney

Her: i don't think it's a bad pic. how old is she? in ze pic

Sizz: i think shes six months probably a month or so after actually

Her: indeed. well i gots nothing else to say so i think i might sreep nite!

[End]

In all fairness, the woman knew me and knew the sort of guy I am. I honestly thought the idea of me having a child was just to fucking stupid it was funny, but she bought it and, in the interest of science, I wanted to see how far I could possibly take the ruse. Needless to say it didn't last long thanks to her friends and I did apologise. It's also one of the few times ever I've felt remorse but I think I got over it.

Extra special thanks have to go to Sadsack for a) demanding I keep going and b) finding the perfect photo of a blue eyed asian baby from the internet. It really sold the whole thing and it wouldn't have been good without it. Thanks buddy.

Would you Fuck a Pregnant Girl? Part Three

2006-10-11T00:25:00.000+10:00

The answer is YES. Sadsack can take the arse, Sizzlord gets the vag. That way we both score a preggo and we're both technically right.

EVERYONE WINS!

Would you fuck a pregnant girl? Part 2

2006-10-11T00:19:00.000+10:00

While the Sizzlords view on the topic was 'Hey yeah, think about it man if it isn't your kid you are basically having a threesome, while if it is your kid that is just disgusting.' So I think I should take a leash with me down the coast as we may end up in the park or see some children at the beach.

Don't worry Sizzlords future children you aren't good enough for his semen, but he'll cook up a strangers fetus and eat it no problem. The only way to settle this man is for us to both fuck her.

Would You Fuck a Pregnant Girl?

2006-10-11T00:09:00.000+10:00

Sadsack and I had this debate the other night. A mutual slamming hot acquaintance of ours has recently gotten herself "with fetus" and was about 6 months alone and looking fine. The convo worked out that the Sizzlord would happily tap that, no qualms about my penis hitting an unborn child at all, while Sadsack refused.

What he drew the line at was fucking someone else's fetus. If he's having sex with a woman with his child, WATCH OUT KID, Sadsack is going to induct you into Wanglor the old fashioned way. I weep for his children and I pray to karma that they never, ever find out their parents fucked after they started developing.

I ruined a families Christmas

2006-10-11T00:01:00.000+10:00

This one actually happened around July, I'm just lazy with the posting.

It's the huge fuck off toy sale that Kmart has and I'm working the Layby department as always. This family rocks up with two huggggeee trolleys, packed full of toy shit. I cry a little internally and start putting them through. After about the fourth item they pull out some clearance stuff. I can't layby clearance stuff, I get yelled at, so I inform them. The stare at me for a second and their faces fall. Minutes later only another two items out've the massive trolleys join the other shit on the counter, everything else is clearance and forms a massive pile sitting on a nearby display dishwasher.

After they finish the layby and walk off saddened, the kid eyes the massive pile of toys and asks mummy why they're not taking it with. She tells him that they can't afford it and the kid starts wailing, crying and carrying on. At this point the father looses it and engages his wife in a loud dispute about how they should've just bought the stuff and their christmas will suck now etc. etc. Eventually their shouting died off in the distance and silence came back to me.

HAHAHAHAH I RUINED A FAMILIES FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!

I made a kid cry

2006-10-10T23:55:00.000+10:00

(yeah yeah, its a few weeks late but who fucking cares)

So I'm at work a while ago on the registers, stuck serving a constant stream of fucking arseholes, when I was presented with the best oppurtunity ever. Basically a lady came through with a kid in her trolley. This kid was clutching two chuppa chups in its tight little fist and screaming at the top of his lungs "MY CHUPPA CHUPS! MINE!!!". It was ear splitting. I tried to ignore the first one, and a little piece of my soul died when he did it a second and a third time. Then he made his fatal mistake.

Letting go of his chuppa chups, he left them on the counter while he picked his nose or something shit. So quick like lightning I snatch up the lollies in front of this little fuck and scream "MY CHUPPA CHUPS! MINE!", turn and throw them into my little bin on the counter filled with random lollies. The kid just stares at me, with this horrified OMFG expression for a second before he bursts into tears and startings wailing to his mum.

The best of the encounter was that I turned to the mother and asked if she actually wanted to buy the chuppa chups. She just looked at me placidly, said no, paid for her shit and walked off, screaming kid in tow. The fact that the register operating just yelled at her child and set him on a crying binge didn't actually seem to register.

One of my greatest moments at work ever.

The birth of Sadsack

2006-10-10T22:58:00.000+10:00

In one week we shall be celebrating the 21st year since the birth of Sadsack, my work mates have already informed me that they will be trying to make the festivities impossible to forget. First on the agenda is they wish to have a male stripper give me a lap dance, then after that they plan to hold me down and steal my clothes so that I have to do a nudie run to my car to get home past all the other assorted staff. God I hope it isn't a cold night.

After this the Sizzlord and Adam and myself shall be venturing to the Gold Coast for more festivities over the weekend and for anyone who has ever heard of or witnessed our Coast adventures or any of our interstate adventures you should know this is going to be one crazy weekend. There will be barbecued food, alcohol, beach games, alcohol, beach fights, alcohol, Adam sleeping naked, alcohol to get over Adam sleeping naked in the lounge instead of one of the bed rooms, loud music and a whole lot of wanging.

To all of the people who will be joining us thank you for coming to participate in the greatest event of the season, we appreciate an audience almost as much as Adam appreciates his own body. Drew has promised to be in fine form and by that he means he will be quoting Dave Chapelle in the best ghetto black man accent to come out of a white mans mouth since the latest trash on Jerry Springer.

More information shall be revealed after we return from this adventure, may god have mercy on the Gold Coast, because we sure as hell won't, be ready Karma you frightened us last time but I still don't think we will clean the BBQ.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Will you go out with with meeeee?

2006-09-30T12:30:00.000+10:00

At what point do you consider the girl that you're seeing your girlfriend? Apparently in a backwards step for all males, it has been defined by the fairer sex as: only after you ask the question of "will you go out with me". This outdated concept was still found to be in practice after one of the guys found that they were still not considered an item dispite the repeated dates occuring on a regular basis. It makes you wonder what the ladies expect of guys. Judging by this outcome, the wining, dining, spending time together with, cooking for and seeing exclusively isn't enough for the average female. I mean if you've made out with the girl (while not intoxicated) and made arrangements to do it again.... you're together. You can't consider them a random anymore if you've seen them more than twice.

Having to ask the question "will you go out with me" is a degrading process for the bloke. Even after putting in alot of effort and finding out that this girl is actually worth contining to see, you can rarely ever stomach saying that sentence. Forcing your mouth to say the words makes you feel like you're back in primary school.

What should be occuring is a natural progression from friend to significant other. Over the process of seeing each other regually, you should be pretty much getting a feel for if the relationship is progressing any further. If the two people in the relationship don't know if there's any more attachement then friends then chances are that there isn't. Females should just accept that in the only time that they should hear something signifying that you're together should be when you're introduced as his girlfriend.

BlenderedLove

A Thai Style Wang

2006-09-27T13:42:00.000+10:00

Oh yes, it has begun. The team that brought you Wanglor are going to Thailand!

It will be glorious. Spectacular. Drunken. And every other adjective under the sun. From December 4th, the universe will tremble in it's wee little bootsies.

MUUUUUUUUSIC!

YAAAAAR

2006-08-08T23:56:00.000+10:00

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Do want you want because a pirate is free
YOU ARE A PIRATE!!
Yar Har Fiddle Di Di
Being a pirate is alright to be
Do what you wanted cause a pirate is free
YOU ARE A PIRATE!!

Nothing special, LazyTown just got to me and I decided this blog needed more pirate.

Sydney Tales

2006-08-08T23:43:00.000+10:00

Sadsack and I went down to Sydney last week. Here are some of our tales.

The Retarded Coffee Shop Boy.
So we're lining up for coffee, Sadsack is dying for something to eat so as I order he asks the coffee shop stoner for a sandwhich. He distinctly said the word sandwhich, imply an item of filling between two pieces of bread. The Coffee dude even turned to the food thing beside him POINTED at a sandwhich and asked "Ham?", Sadsack said yeah sure. And somehow he ended up with a motherfucking baguette. I'm sure coffee boy was stoned out've his mind.

The Two Hands
Next we're sitting at a bench row right next to this construction area thing drinking our coffees. So theres big wooden dividers up to seperate out the toilet reconstruction work from the people catching plains. So we're sitting there chatting, theres a lull in the conversation and at that precise moment, a fat chunky set of man fingers comes around the edge of the wooden divider, grips the edge hard and vibrates and doesn't let go! We're going "jesus what the fuck" when ANOTHER different big chunky man hand comes around the corner below the first one, grips it just as hard and they both simultaneously grip it and start vibrating. The hands were maybe half an inch apart and the ultimate kicker was that we heard mumbling and moaning. I think Danny and I were priveleged to some very private construction worker anal sex. After we finished laughing our asses off we got the fuck outta there pretty quick.

The Peeing Club
Yet again at the airport as we're waiting to board there's a stream of travellers coming off a plain and walking behind us. The highlight was a group of girls went past and a split second later another came chasing right up to them screaming out "OMG how was the flight? Are you guys peeing? I really need to pee do you want to go together?!?". And I mean screaming. Sadsack and I just looked at each other and then burst into a fit of laughter. I hope everything went well for them.

More stories later.

Wanging Dreamworld

2006-08-08T23:40:00.000+10:00

Sadsack and myself were at Dreamworld a few weeks ago (a theme park for the visiting randoms that don't know). We wanged every. single. ride. Nothing is more hilarious then wanging the entire park as your coming screaming down the Giant Drop. Or wanging the operator of the Claw as you go hurling past. We also screamed out wang as we came hurtling down the final part of the Log ride and every single one of the hundred or so people in the line up heard us. I hope I made a kid cry.

That Friend

2006-06-11T21:59:00.000+10:00

In life you will always meet people who just seem to fail at everything, especially what they care about the most. Now my friend only cares about getting laid or being in a relationship. These are the tales of Rick, I honestly wonder if I will ever meet another human being who fails as much. Rick is the little train that couldn't but he chugs along anyway. If you take anything from the tales of Rick let it be that trying harder does not necessarily increase your chances of success.

Rick has had several sexual relationships spanning for anywhere from weeks to over a year, so he has not always failed when it comes to women. However most people do feel that some of his previous relationships started under questionable circumstances. It has only been over the past year or so that he has hit this dry spell and consequently is drifting lower and lower into insanity. It must be understood that Rick is the kind of person who uses his partner to carry all of his emotional baggage and without a relationship or at least sex for a quick self-esteem boost he becomes increasingly desperate.

Jane

Jane is a good friend of one of our best chick friends, Nicole. Rick had chatted up a chick on the plane this week and gotten her number, then gone out on a date with a different girl who he basically tried to molest in the cinema and then she told him she just wanted to be friends. After this he went back to the girl from the plane who had actually given him a wrong number. Guess he isn't as smooth as he thinks. After this he went to Jane nearing the end of the week and told her that he had really been hoping to go out to dinner on Saturday night but his plans had fallen through. So he asks Jane to go with him as a friend so that he could still use his dinner reservation and wouldn't feel lonely....he convinced her by saying "keep in mind that if you say no you will be the third girl to reject me this week". Now if that isn't a smooth con I don't know what is.

On the night of this dinner date I was at a 21st with the rest of the boys. Rick later attended with Jane in tow and it is important to note that all the information was not made available to us until after the party. However I will try to tell this in chronological order. Let us begin with Rick picking up Jane.

Rick arrived at Jane's house to drive her to dinner, he spoke with her parents a bit while she finished getting ready, he felt they liked him and things were going well. We believe they most likely disliked him and felt he was a complete creep. After Jane was ready they went out to the car, upon opening the door she found a rose left for her on the passenger seat. Rick then proceeded to ask her for a kiss. Jane went to oblige with a kiss on the cheek and he turned his head at the last moment to steal a proper one. Quite smooth from a serial rapists perspective I guess.

On to dinner where we were informed that Rick made many lame jokes and boring conversation and got Jane as drunk as he possibly could. A walk followed dinner where Rick asked for hugs and kisses as often as he could. We are unsure if he got them or not. Then they joined us at the party, to us at the party they appeared to be getting on fabulously, we did not know how to take this at first until later when I was able to speak to Jane without the singing freak hovering over her. Jane seemed concerned that Rick was after a lot more than just friendship out of this dinner and questioned me on whether or not everything would be ok. To which I honestly told her that when taking her home he would either try to convince her to go back to his place or let him stay at hers.

The initial panic overcome Jane began to question me on what to do and I offered her two options. Get a lift with me in the morning as I was too inebriated to drive at that time or be honest with Rick, tell him that she wasn't interested and to back off. Rick will not take subtle hints. He will blatantly ignore them in the hope that he can take advantage of someone who is too polite to say no. Jane told me she couldn't be that harsh but I made it clear it was her only choice. During our conversation Rick hovered around continually trying to eaves drop and pressuring Jane that it was time to leave. The best parting advice Drew and I could give to her was "No means no".

We were later informed that on the ride back to her place Rick tried to cool it down a bit, realising that he was going to fast and thinking of securing a second date by doing all that he could to seem like a nice kind of guy that a chick should want to see again. In Rick's version he got a vague promise of a second date and a makeout session in the car...Jane's version of events is somewhat different. In Jane's version there was no makeout session and Rick laid on a heap of crap about being really tired and how he probably shouldn't drive home like that and Jane had to get her sister to come down and get rid of him because he simply would not leave.

Since then Rick basically stalked her for a few weeks, showing up when she was shopping with her mother, leaving countless messages and calls on her phone, finding out her work and uni timetables and then messaging her just after she finished up asking her to go somewhere. Now it is also important to note that while basically stalking this poor girl Rick still continued to try to hook up with any chick he would meet, this man is so sex depraved that even when he thinks he has one on the line he’s still looking for more and is completely unwilling to let one go.

If you have read this and saw many similarities between yourself and Rick you should seriously consider seeking help, we have tried to help our friend but he refuses to accept that he is a fuckup. We owe it to women out there to tell his tales and to warn them of the real dangers, you could get raped any day of the week, or stalked or sexually harassed at work, but it would never prepare you for Rick. In a few years I honestly do see him becoming all of those things and more.

Young Sizzlord and the Attractive Sales Lady

2006-06-07T01:14:00.000+10:00

Okay this is a bit of a random post, I don't really tell this story much and I hardly ever remember it so I decided to commit it to the blog for all eternity.

It all begins one day when Sizzlord is a fresh 17 year old and living at home alone for the very first time while his family was off pissing about New Zealand. There was a knock on the door so I answer it to be greeted by this stunningly cute young woman selling phone shit for Optus. She does her spiel, I do mine about how I'm not interested, she makes some comment about how hot it is (I'm pretty sure it was the tail end of summer, so Feb/March) and I agree, she asks for a water and without thinking, I say sure and invite her inside.

What followed was me having an indepth, totally barrier free, conversation with a gorgeous Philipino lady for nearly three hours. And I mean indepth we talked about her sex life, trouble with boyfriends, crazy shit other workmates get up to with people, how I'm finding highschool, what I wanna do after, whether I have a girlfriend, what her big hopes and dreams are. You name it we talked about it. What was fucking incredible about the whole surreal experience was how amazingly smooth it was. You hear about people have perfect "game" where they meet a chick and shit just happens. It sounds corny because I was so young but that's exactly what it was like. A perfect game. The finale to the whole thing when she finally had to go was that we exchanged numbers and she also decided to give me her friends number, who worked as a stripper at Showgirls (I think) in the City, saying she could hook me up with an awesome deal for my 18th with her and her stripper friend.

That's about as much as I can remember and I'm pretty sure I've told the story really shittely but at least I mite remember it a bit more now.

I also just found that I still have her name and number in my phone. Oh yes next time I'm out drinking someones going to get a phone call, muahahahah!

I Don't Like Thursdays

2006-06-05T20:47:00.000+10:00

People always have days that they hate. A lot of people hate Mondays. Garfield hates Mondays. Some people hate Sunday, because they know Monday is coming. Me? I don’t like Thursdays.

I’ve never really gotten the hang of Thursday. It’s just a big tease of a day; the kind of thing you know is coming and you can’t avoid it. It’s a useless day: it’s the day after hump day, but it’s the day BEFORE the end of the week. Nothing good ever happens on a Thursday. Think about it. Everyone is gearing down for the weekend, so no one wants to do any real work. How often do you sit there and go “Oh, it’s Thursday, tomorrow’s Friday, I’ll just leave this work here until Monday.” I know I do. I normally hide whatever work I should be doing underneath something much more interesting. Like my pet rock.

Thursday was invented by someone without a soul. How do I know this? Only a person without any compassion at all could possibly conceive of a day like Thursday. Someone back in the annals of time sat there and went “How can I fuck with humanity for the rest of their existence?” Oddly enough, this thought has actually been had by more than a few people over the last few thousand years. One guy came up with the idea for an advanced goods and services exchange system and called it money. Another bloke with too much time on his hands thought up the genius idea of organised religion. And then, one fine Wednesday afternoon, some inconsiderate prick had a brainfart and thought “Holy shit! I’ll make a day between now and Friday and call it THURSDAY! No one will do any work, and everyone will hate it! I’m a genius! ROFLWTFBBQ! I feel like tacos.”

As you can see, this man was clearly insane.

I propose the following moratorium to the Gregorian calendar system: tell Thursday to politely fuck off, and replace it with Funday. It’s a new day between Saturday and Sunday, designed to help people shake off their hangovers. It’s the modern day Sabbath; you get to do nothing, lounge around, and not feel guilty about being lazy. It's a much better proposal than the current incarnation of Thursday.

I’m a genius. Now someone go get me some tacos.

Sadsack's guide on going nuts.

2006-06-04T19:41:00.000+10:00

We have noticed through personal observation and generally being better than everyone else that we are awesome. This leads us to somewhat of a problem as noone can match how incredible we are and so how can anyone entertain us as much as we do each other? With this in mind I have devised the guide on going nuts.

The first rule to going nuts is to stop caring, I mean think about it you only live once and you will probably never see the randoms in public again so what is the harm in fucking with them a bit? Next up you need to understand what is appropriate in certain situations, a good sense of propriety will help you to understand the correct way to behave and once you know this you can do the opposite.

Through this guide I'll look at three simple places to begin as you are just learning for now so we will start out slow. First up we have while eating, it doesn't matter where you are eating there are always unmentioned rules, like if you are in a restaurant having a nice dinner you should use a knife and fork, well screw that, have you ever seen a person try to use their hand to eat soup? I don't mean tipping the bowl and slurping from it either, I mean ladling it out all over their face, let me just say hilarity does ensue. However on to simpler stuff, like a family restaurant maccas for example, do stupid shit, pay out customers, steal posters, order things that aren't on the menu, complain about not getting what you ordered when it was exactly what you ordered, throw your pickles at friends or children who pass by. The list goes on and on for dives like that, afterall everyone in there is only one step above complete insanity anyway.

Next we have in public, being in public is great because everyone expects you to give them their own personal bubble which you should respect and not interfere with....WRONG. Shout obscenities as loud as you can, pretend to be retarded and bump into people then go nuts when they try to apologise and if you are really daring fake a mugging or something.

Now my personal favourite is improper toilet behaviour, lose your inhibitions, get noisy, get nasty and most of all get dirty. For the ladies out there pick a stall right next to someone and blast away then start moaning or talking to your urine whatever takes your fancy, say things like 'thats it flow for mamma' and 'oh god this urine is making me thirsty'. For guys it is generally less advised unless you are either masochistic or capable of taking care of yourself to screw with people at the urinal, however you can always go into a stall and pretend to be masturbating or combine improper urination with public places. If you have ever heard a story of us at Mt. Cootha and some bad peeing you would understand just why this is my favourite way to do something crazy.

You have some basics now so let me share some things to remember, try not to fuck with people you don't know too much, we try not to ruin other peoples evening/lives but we can't resist screwing with them a bit. Get yourself some friends who also enjoy going crazy and who can laugh at anything and by anything I don't mean lame garbage crap I mean you can find a funny side to anything....ESPECIALLY cancer. Got Life?

Favours

2006-05-26T22:50:00.000+10:00

I've decided I've hated doing people favours and it isn't because I'm a cruel son of a bitch it's because of the way people act when they know they owe you something. There are many ways a person can react after they receive a favour, one is that they try to undermine what you did for them or talk about how it wasn't really going out of your way or anything. Well I'm sorry but it was out of my way and it took a lot of effort for me to kick down my inner demon and actually help you out so fuck you if you think it was easy.

Then another way is to overthank you for the favour in an attempt to return the favour by telling you how much it means to them or how great you are. Quite frankly I know I'm great and I don't care that it meant a lot to you a favour is only repaid by a favour not by words, there is no way you are getting out of that by telling me I'm an amazingly good friend.

Why can't anyone ever just say "Thanks for the help buddy I really owe you one" and then not pussy out if I actually need something. Though I guess I never really do need favours because I'm able to survive without other people holding my hand...but still it would just be nice for people to accept a favour with a bit of grace.

How to send Sizzlord into a Rage

2006-05-26T21:04:00.000+10:00

One of the many things in life that constantly shits me, is the human verbal leech. These are the people that say iniate a conversation and past the normal "hello, how are you?" make absolutely no attempt to put any effort into conversing. When I was young I used to try and fill these verbal voids by thinking up topics, until I realised the people for the fucking vampires that they are and now I couldn't give two shits about them. Verbal leeching is particularly potent when combined with random inane comments. As a perfect example, her is a conversation I had with a girl from one of my university subjects the other day.

Her: HI! I have no home phone.

Me: ...wow. That's weird (Why the fuck would I care?!)

Her: Yeah theres no dial tone.

Me: ....

Me: ....

Me: cool.

Right about there I was ready to apply I cigarette and burn her off me like the leech she is but since we were "conversing" I thought I'd ask about how her group work for our uni subject was coming along, since both her and my group had similiar topics.

Her reply was: ahhhhhhh.

Ahhh? AHHHH??!?! What the fuck is aahhh? I asked you a question. How about a response in english bitch. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT? This woman wanted to speak to me, she started the conversation and her response to a single question is aahhhh. But the insanity doesn't end there. As I'm coming to terms with the stupidity I've just been assualted with she continues with:

Her: Yeah and my boss made a mistake and is paying me sick leave. He thought I applied for it even tho I didn't so I have to pay him back.

I'm not entirely sure what fucking conversation this girl thought she was having with me, but she's obviously delusional. I asked about uni and I get some shit about work? I see this girl maybe 20min in a tute a week and she thinks I give two shits about her fucking work when I didn't even ask?!?!?!

A part of my innocence died that day and I took another step to becoming Patrick Bateman.

RE followup

2006-05-25T22:48:00.000+10:00

So as Drew stated we were in the ATM line at the RE when the ganglor guy and his hot girlfriend started playing toss the poop right in front of us and the chick behind us noticed our looks of horror. Drew admitted pretty easily that he wouldn't mind a chick like that checking out his chocolate starfish however I was more adamant about my disgust, telling her "I don't want anyone checking out my prostate who isn't a doctor and even then that is just a necessary part of life not a fantasy".

The conversation continued on with much bitching from both us and her about the complete deadshits who were trying to learn how to use an ATM machine. I swear some of the calls we made were just rude to apes and retards in general after all I'm sure an ape could learn to use an ATM after 18 years.

We finally made it to the machine and it was starting to get uncomfortable as the chick behind us was still talking about anal fingering, honestly my hole tightened up a fair bit after 5 minutes of this conversation and I'm sure if I had to put up with much more that I would in fact have to vomit up my turds for the rest of my life. Fortunately she just changed to death threats about how we better not take too long on the machine so Drew did his best and we got the fuck out of that uncomfortable situation...never to see her again.

A typical Sunday at the RE

2006-05-01T16:37:00.000+10:00

People don't usually believe random shit just happens to us. As proof how is this. Danny and I are in the line for the ATM, facing the back of this ganglor dude when his girlfriend starts running her hands up and down his back, inside his shirt and then (get this)..down the back of his pants. I mean down. Like whole hand in there searching for lost keys.

Danny and I turn to each other and just make a "wtf" look with our eyes. The look is seen by this random chick behind us who says the immortal line..

Her: Oh come on you can't tell me you wouldn't want *her* fingering your arse.

I admitted that it was a secret desire of mine to be anally fisted by a hot chick. Surprisingly the random chick didn't even flinch and just went on by saying

Her: Oh totally, I mean if I had a boyfriend and he asked me to do that I'd be so keen.

This then launched a 10minute conversation of the pros and cons of anal fisting and why they mite have felt the need to do such a thing in public. Some people may say 10 minutes is excessive but thats how long it took for the two dumb sluts slightly ahead of us to figure out the simple processing of putting a card into the machine and recieving money. They weren't even drunk either, just fucking stupid.

Anyway we made a parting call after I'd gotten money out and we never saw the girl again. I fear for her boyfriend.

Karma has forgiven us.

2006-03-05T17:44:00.000+10:00

After days of walking home only to have the sky cloud up and rain poor down on me then stop when I get home, pallet jacks running over my feet and god knows however many more unfortunate events karma has granted us a great boon.

We shall forever be grateful to you karma and I look forward to the next battle of wills, the next series of unfortunate events that befalls me shall leave me filled with hope, knowing that something good is coming. It may seem cruel to enjoy anothers pain but karma granted us this joy, it would be foolish to not appreciate it.

Toga Wang 2

2006-02-28T18:08:00.000+10:00

I was actually in line for that wang. It was glorious.
Then I went inside and got drunk. The highlight of the night was when I undid Sarah's bra with one hand. I was a little drunk so it took me a minute or two to realise I was squeezing it in the wrong direction.

Don't ask me how that happened. I blame the beer.

We must use wanglor more.

Toga Wang

2006-02-24T16:40:00.000+10:00

Last night I wanged maybe two hundred people in line for a Toga party.

Apperently the entire line went silent afterwards, I'm so proud.

My New Years Experience

2006-01-04T21:21:00.000+10:00

So yeah following on from Drew's horror story after nearly ripping my toe off on Pete's step I had to look after this dodgy bastard who left vomit all around the toilet...none in it. First we dumped him in the bath tub, where he continued to vomit so I got his shirt off of him...while doing this he vomited a heap of water all over my pants. Then he started screaming out for me going 'DANNY HELP ME HELP ME DANNY' of course he wouldn't listen to me saying that I was Danny, he kept claiming that I wasn't Danny and I was trying to trick him. It came the time when I knew the only way he would recognize me would be when I shoved my cock in his face.

Unfortunately Tewesy wouldn't let me take my pants off so Drew kept screaming, then passing out so we had to keep checking that he was breathing and that he had a pulse, he didn't want to be moved so we ended up pushing him onto his side in the bathtub, then a few hours later he wakes up...looking quite sober as we are all getting ready to sleep and like he hadn't put me through enough already he decides to steal my lovely couch as soon as I have it ready to sleep on.

Happy New Years Drewbie, you owe me :P

I am Aghast Part II

2006-01-02T22:41:00.000+10:00

Another tale of sheer human fucking stupidity from work.

Lady, mid 40's comes and puts say 150 dollars of shit on Layby.

Drew: Okay how much deposit did you want to put on?

Lady: I'd like to have 10 dollars left.

Drew: You mean like have 10 dollars left on the Layby?

Lady: Yes

Drew: As in pay 140 dollars deposit? Not just pay 10 dollars right?(Take note of this part, this is the first of two times I specifically ask her how much she wants to put on)

Lady: Yes thats right.

Drew puts the transaction through, she puts it on her card, wants cash out.

Drew: How much cash?

Lady: 50 dollars please?

Drew does it.

Lady: hmmmw why does the total say $190?

Drew: Thats because your making a 140 dollar deposit and taking 50 dollars out. (Second time i mention her paying $140.)

Lady: Oh right yes cool.

Finishes everything off, Lady starts look at her copy of the docket.

Lady: Why is my layby balance $9.99??

Drew:.....thats because you wanted 10 dollars left on it. so the total was $149.99 and you paid $140.

Lady: Oh but I only wanted to pay $10.

Drew: But I specifically asked you if you wanted to pay $10 or pay $140 so there was 10 dollars left. You SAID you wanted $10 left and you even asked my why the total was $190 on your EFTPOST transaction.

Lady: Yeah, can we cancel this and start again? Is that an axe?

Drew: YES IT IS!!

I'm once again speechless. Did she not hear me at ALL? Was she even concious during the transaction? Where any synapses in that brain firing at all? Dear god what is wrong with people!!! I will cry now.

New Years

2006-01-02T22:25:00.000+10:00

Here's a tale worthy of the Wang.

So New Years. 3 Beers, Maybe 400mlish of Vodka. Midnight ticks around, Happy New Years, one more shot. I think "Man I have to shit".

Next thing I know it's 4am, I'm in a bath tub, soaked, puke everywhere, no shirt freezing my fucking arse off. I think "WTF, oh man I have to shit". To the bathroom. Puke EVERYWHERE. "Oh man which fucking cunt puked all over the fucking toilet?!?!". Brain flashes, vague remembrances of trying to go to the toilet and vomiting all over the place. Oh yeah it was me.

I don't know if I either a) had some bad fucking beers cause I didn't have that much vodka or b) I'm a total pussy now but goddamn did I have a terrific New Years. Nothing like celebrating the birth of a new solar rotation than being hosed by your mates in a bath tub while you attempt to hose them in vomit. Good times one and all.

Since Dannys the one that actually took care of me I eagerly await his blog to find out exactly wtf I got up to.

Oh and New Years Day we WANGED some stoner faggots outside Maccas. There looks of OMGWTFBBQ were priceless.

French keyboards suck

2005-12-23T23:08:00.000+10:00

They do! The keys are nowhre zhere you want! sucks ass. so whats doin? benj
is drinking zith me, zhich is nice. you know how much I hate drinking on my
own.

you`ll be happy to know that me and ben ar keping the wang tradition alive.
we loudly and proudly wangd the city of paris from the top floor of the
Eiffel Tower. it roxzored.

Fucking had to pay 160 qussie bucks to go from here to zurich: holy fuck!
its an eye opner: we leqve tonight. qight bitches; remmbr to post on the
wang. gemmq has a vido camera, so we will gt footage of wanging in every
city. much love. post away!

ps get jono to post on here, th softcock.

I am Aghast

2005-12-11T21:50:00.000+10:00

Very rarely in this job do I encounter something that truly stuns me anymore. I've done this shit for so long I was fairly certain I'd seen every possible example of human stupdiity. Well I thought that up to yesterday (Saturday).

Kmart had on sale some SPLIT system (that's important) Air Conditioning units. Because its a SPLIT system it comes in 2 boxes. The wall mounted outlet and the actually cooler thingo. At the end of Saturday I had a few people come up with just the small, outlet box wanting to buy them. Normally we keep all that kind of shit on the floor, so there should be say 5 big boxes and 5 little boxes. Well Saturday arvo we had 5 little boxes and no big ones. I doubled checked out the back, yep definitely all our big ones should be on show.

So get this. Some stupid fuck has come to Layby to grab a cheap air con. This dick has picked up the big box and left the little one behind. Despite the fact that all boxes are clearly marked X of 2, there are retards out there who have only taken one box. I was literally stunned to discover this. What the fuck do they do when they take they Air Con out at home? Try and mount it on the wall. I'd hate to work at the Service Desk when they return it.

"urggghh yeah I bought this AirCon and not only is it a bitch to mount but it does nothing but leak and doesn't cool the room down."

"Um thats cause you needed the fucking OUTLET BOX AS WELL"

Yarrr I'm so glad no one is likely to come up to me and say that because if they did I would have serious trouble not ripping there heads off and mounting it on a pike.

Australian Geologists sure can drink

2005-12-11T12:33:00.000+10:00

Yo bitches, and especially mah home boy Jono to the Y to the A to the H-zay reversay-bizzle!

Got drunk last night at a pub called Lefty O'Douls on Geary Street here in San Fran, and my drinking buddies were none other than 12 geologists from Australia. The main bloke I chatted to was a research student at ANU in his final year. I now have contacts in Canberra! Yay for me...
Sadly, the only name I remember is Trev. By the end of the night, everyone's name was Trev. It was just so much simpler that way.

PS, you bitches better be coming to the par-tay at Jaz's place on Friday lunch, or I'm gonna kill someone. Jono, you're excused because you're physically incapable of coming due to that gargantuan elephantine cock of yours being in Mt Isa. And "apparently" (quotation marks) the rest of your body is also attached. *shrug* Who knew?

...'sif you'd miss a pissup for WORK. Bah humbug.

Oh, and I got you three a present each. I hope you like pirates. HAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!

...wang.

Passenger shot dead

2005-12-09T13:34:00.000+10:00

Goddamn, I just got off a plane from Vegas to San Francisco and what headline did I read just before I got onto the plane?

http://feeds.cincinnatinews.net/?rid=cab09dc47f1361e0&cat=90d24f4ad98a2793&f=1

Fucking Americans. They always blow too early.

Work work work.

2005-12-08T12:57:00.000+10:00

So work has me on every night and every fucking morning and the back dock is like an oven except minus the cum stains, don't ask me why my oven has cum stains it just does. The only saving grace of all this work is I'm getting paid over 400 bucks a week after tax, so soon enough I'll be able to afford strippers....with dicks. Trust me dicks cost extra.

The morning shifts are gay too because you get loads of old people asking you where shit is, only old people are awake when the store opens, who else would be depraved enough to wait outside the doors for the store to open? They zerg in like its resurrection evil or something and start tearing at the shelves as the poor employees scream 'WTFBBQ' and run for the back dock.

But I shall hold out for the money and the male on male action amongst pallets out the back. Actually its mostly just been solo male on male action but I'm sure I'll be able to convince a boy child through the plastic doors for a brand new spraygun toy powered by suckage.

Random Question

2005-12-08T08:16:00.000+10:00

Problem solvered, I'll just log in everytime so that everything is pretty. Although, ya'll should go to the page where you can update your blogspot profiles. At the bottom, they have this random question for you to answer for shits and giggles, and here was mine.

Random Question:
If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying "poop deck"?

I laughed so hard that I pooped a little.

sniff...it's beautiful! WANG!

2005-12-08T08:01:00.000+10:00

WANG! :D :D

Yay! Now I get to post on TWO blogs while paying 25cents a minute for internet access! Woot!...Nah, jokes. ;) Man, I can't wait to get back home, this whole legal drinking age 21 crap is SHIT. Especially in Vegas where if you even look at security wrong, they bitchslap your candy ass with their massive biceps and make you scream mama while they violate you rectally with a thermometer.

Not that that's happened to me or anything.

So anyway, it's been a pretty damn tame trip. I guess that's what happens when you're with the family. I'm trying to wingle my way into conning them all into staying at a backpackers in San Francisco so I can at least have some kind of weird shenanigans before I leave the country. So I'll have to say that, until further notice, I can't accept any random dares yet. It's just not safe. ;)

PS: Wanglor is a kickass name. The name of my firstborn child has been found!

Edit: I paid AUS$6 to clean up this post's formatting. I hope you appreciate it. I know I do.

Smell My Perfume

2005-12-07T22:59:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd kick off this little endevaour with a random tale of the shit I have to put up with at work. This past week a nice looking lady with her two kids comes up to me to get her Layby. I put her through, grab the parcel etc and everything is fine. Right up until the lady should be leaving...

Lady: Thanks for that, one last thing, do you like my perfume?

Drew: .......um what??

Lady: My perfume do you like the smell of it?

Drew: ahh yeah I guess so I can't really smell it.

*lady sniffs her wrist then holds it out for me*

Lady: I'm not trying to hit on you or anything, but would you mind having a sniff.

Drew: .....

*Drew sniffs the random ladies wrist*

Drew: Yeah it's pretty good I think (it smelled like deoderant wtf!?!)

Lady: Ah excellent....well thanks very much have a good day.

I put up with this shit every single day while you faggots (minus Danny) are off raping rocks or other countries. Still it makes for a good story.

Wanglor Emailing LIVES

2005-12-07T22:26:00.000+10:00

Muahahah and now the Redbeard can email his shit in.

The Wang LIVES!

2005-12-07T22:07:00.000+10:00

That's right watch the internets tremble in fear.

WWWWWWWAAANNNGGGGG

Wanglor: Tales of the Wang

Wanglor: The Wedding

Cuntpark

Eat This

Gettin' Busy

Don't Judge Us

Paddington's Day Out

Feelings

Chilling

Chasing Cars

A Very Sizzlordy Valentines Day

Mid-Rant: Steak and BJ Day

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day: Why?

Valentine's Day Rants

Night Clerks 2: Do you believe in that?

Debauchery

Don't Censor Me Woman

Rubix Cube Party

Australia Day/Hottest 100

Night Clerks

Australia Day Vietnam

The Return

Motherland

This Post is Shit

Merry Christmas

The Mighty Wang River

24 Hours

Wanglor

Graphical Things

The Most Confusing Bathroom Ever II

The Most Confusing Bathroom Ever

Cirque Du Soleil

Contractual Agreements

Amazing world

Women

The 24 Hour Rule

I am Aghast: Part Three

Wanglor on Google

Wanglor Classic: Sizzlord is a Dad

Would you Fuck a Pregnant Girl? Part Three

Would you fuck a pregnant girl? Part 2

Would You Fuck a Pregnant Girl?

I ruined a families Christmas

I made a kid cry

The birth of Sadsack

Will you go out with with meeeee?

A Thai Style Wang

YAAAAAR

Sydney Tales

Wanging Dreamworld

That Friend

Young Sizzlord and the Attractive Sales Lady

I Don't Like Thursdays

Sadsack's guide on going nuts.

Favours

How to send Sizzlord into a Rage

RE followup

A typical Sunday at the RE

Karma has forgiven us.

Toga Wang 2

Toga Wang

My New Years Experience

I am Aghast Part II

New Years

French keyboards suck

I am Aghast

Australian Geologists sure can drink

Passenger shot dead

Work work work.

Random Question

*sniff*...it's beautiful! WANG!

Smell My Perfume

Wanglor Emailing LIVES

The Wang LIVES!

sniff...it's beautiful! WANG!