This Post is Shit

The Bus Toilet.
I feel the urge to share something special with everyone. Today we went from about the middle of Thailand to the Southern section by buses. We spent a 7 hour stretch in this particular behemoth and occasionally my guts would drop and I would feel the urge to shit. Being a pretty crap bus I really, really did not want to use the toilet but after about 6 hours and another gut drop I'm like "fuck it, how bad could it be". Oh...my...god.

Take a normal telephone booth. Halve it vertically, squish it horizontally a little bit and then install a toilet. The first fucking challenge was there was a lock on the outside of the loo, but not on the inside. Hmmm. And there's a pretty chunky hole in the floor, where you can see the road rushing by beneath and the floor around it creaks. Hmmm. Undeterred I sit down to begin. Nothing. Despite all my gut dropping, I farted a bit and then nothing. After about 5min of trying my bowels squeezed out a half-hearted loaf and that was it. Sigh.

Up to this point I was holding onto the door handle so that some poor sap would come down and be treated to a sight of me shitting when they hauled upon the unlocked door. Now of course I had to wipe. One fucking handed. In this tiny little space, I had to improvise, switching hands, pulling all sorts of tricks to wipe my behind AND keep the door secure. Occasionally I would have to quickly take my hand off, do something with two hands, fear of someone opening the door mounting, and then BAM slam my hand back on the handle. Okay so mission successful so far.

I turn around to flush. There's no flushing mechanism. The only thing vaguely resembling a button is this funky little yellow one on the wall that looked like a Call Attendant air flight button. No fucking way am I calling an attendant to the crapper, how the fuck do you flush this cunt. After searching and searching I couldn't find anything else, so fuck it I pressed it. BBOOOOMMM water shoots out of the sides of the bowel and spray ever. I slam the lid down but that only diverted the flow out through the loose side and into the cubicle. FFFUCCK, I leapt on top of the toilet as part of the toilet paper and shit went down the loo and the rest sprayed out and spread all over the floor. It gushed about for a bit and then made it's way slowly but surely through the hole in the floor and out onto the road.

So I gingerly step down from the tiny space above the loo I was hiding, past the remnants of my bog and flee the toilet. The only upside was that I got a story out of it, but jesus christ next time I'm holding.

The Most Peaceful Bog Ever
The normal Thai toilets are squat toilets. Danny knows what I'm taking about. There a regular kind of toilet bowel, sunk into the ground, with two foot grip things on either side. Obviously you squat down to take a dump. My first and quite possibly best time ever using on of these babies was when we we're trekking last week. In the early hours of the morning, Sizzlord snaps awake with the desire to go number twos. He crawls out from between Jono and Adam (I'm not joking) makes his way out of his village hut and, flashlight in hand, heads down to the Squatter.

The village is basically in the middle of a Thailand mountain jungle and the loo is out from the village slightly in the trees. So I prepare myself, squat down, and turn off the flashlight to conserve batteries. And thus I had the most peaceful shit ever. It was a cool evening but not to cold, there was a nice soft breeze blowing through the jungle and just a faint hint of moonlight. Using the loo was actually surprisingly comfy and easy to. I heaved a great sigh and to the magical noises of the world, did my business.

Even thinking about it now brings me into a state of serene peace. Ahhhhh....