A Very Sizzlordy Valentines Day

Ahhhh Valentines Day. Yes children indeed it is that time of year again, when the world gets decked out in pink, millions of chocolates and roses walk out shop doors, and people who ignore each other for every other day of the year get together to do something romantic. While that's all well and good my favourite part about Valentines Day is the inevitable shitstorm of rants by people who have some gripe or whinge about VDay. And here, to them and you, is my counter-rant.

Ahem.

I'm going to kick this baby off by destroying the most common form of rant against Valentines Day: the "oh my lord it's so commercialised, it's not about love at all anymore". Jesus Christ what are you a fucking communist?!?!? It's called capitalism motherfucker. VDay has always been about showing your love and to show your love to a woman, you usually (I mean always) have to buy shit. So heaven forbid some entrepreneurial person would try to charge money for goods and services to cater to this captive market. It's only a heaven sent opportunity to make a huge sum of money off a global market by providing lovey-dovey shit for a single day when a human being, slash man, needs to satisfy his woman enough with material goods to get sex. If you've got a problem with the financial principle presented here, then get back behind the Iron Curtain you Stalin loving cunt.

Second only to the overcommercialisation bullshit is the "I'm single so I'm going to cry about Valentines Day because it's all about couples". Wrrrrroooonnnngggg. Valentines Day is all about the expression of love which, here's a thought, you don't need to be in a relationship to love somebody. Buy something nice for your parents, treat one of your good friends to lunch, buy your fucking dog something nice. If you're emo enough that no one actually loves you, show yourself some self love and fucking kill yourself and spare me the pain of having people talk about your rants you depressive son of a bitch. What's even worse than this is chicks who complain about being single on VDay and how crap it is. Considering it's an entire day totally devoted to the expression of love from men to women, have a cry motherfucker!!! Why don't you use the precious braincells you have left and write a rant about the gender bias and inequality of a day where one sex demands and expects love from the other, rather than whining about how bad it is that it's expected for you to receive presents.

Speaking of inequality brings me nicely to my third favourite type of VDay rant, the "Thanks to feminism and the empowerment of woman, chicks demand to be treated like princesses enough, why should we add another horrific day of glorification?". If your woman has more power over you in a relationship then you're not utilising a little biological mixture called testosterone enough!!! Your significant other shouldn't be able to breathe, she's swimming so deep in a cloud of your manliness. Western woman have come into their own in what, the last 40 or so years? Men have been arse kicking their way to glory since we were still fucking primates. While Valentines Day is an excellent oppurtunity to open up public debate on the current emasculation of men, the kind of concerted organised movement that needs to be created to effect any sort of change needs to happen on a grass roots, every day level. In other words you need to stop being such a fucking baby in your relationship, develop a semblance of the KRUM, and lay some motherfuckin' law down. Maybe then you can stop annoying me by writing shitty posts about what a ball-less piece of shit you are.

And last but not least I'd like to take this opportunity to address the people who come out of the wood work and announce to the world that relationships aren't all about one day and that you need to do something special all the time and that it means more. I actually agree with this but sit down and shut the fuck up arsehole, as far as I can recall nobody asked for, or gives a flying fuck, about your opinions.

I believe you have been served Mr Symes.

Sizzlord is a twenty-one year old professional bum, who just spent the last three months drinking and fucking to excess in far flung South-East Asia. He has only had a "serious" relationship once and he didn't quite like the chick, making him the perfect person to talk about Valentines Day and love. He enjoys excessive drinking, snorting Valium and writing bios in the third person. He is better than you.