I Don't Like Thursdays

People always have days that they hate. A lot of people hate Mondays. Garfield hates Mondays. Some people hate Sunday, because they know Monday is coming. Me? I don’t like Thursdays.

I’ve never really gotten the hang of Thursday. It’s just a big tease of a day; the kind of thing you know is coming and you can’t avoid it. It’s a useless day: it’s the day after hump day, but it’s the day BEFORE the end of the week. Nothing good ever happens on a Thursday. Think about it. Everyone is gearing down for the weekend, so no one wants to do any real work. How often do you sit there and go “Oh, it’s Thursday, tomorrow’s Friday, I’ll just leave this work here until Monday.” I know I do. I normally hide whatever work I should be doing underneath something much more interesting. Like my pet rock.

Thursday was invented by someone without a soul. How do I know this? Only a person without any compassion at all could possibly conceive of a day like Thursday. Someone back in the annals of time sat there and went “How can I fuck with humanity for the rest of their existence?” Oddly enough, this thought has actually been had by more than a few people over the last few thousand years. One guy came up with the idea for an advanced goods and services exchange system and called it money. Another bloke with too much time on his hands thought up the genius idea of organised religion. And then, one fine Wednesday afternoon, some inconsiderate prick had a brainfart and thought “Holy shit! I’ll make a day between now and Friday and call it THURSDAY! No one will do any work, and everyone will hate it! I’m a genius! ROFLWTFBBQ! I feel like tacos.”

As you can see, this man was clearly insane.

I propose the following moratorium to the Gregorian calendar system: tell Thursday to politely fuck off, and replace it with Funday. It’s a new day between Saturday and Sunday, designed to help people shake off their hangovers. It’s the modern day Sabbath; you get to do nothing, lounge around, and not feel guilty about being lazy. It's a much better proposal than the current incarnation of Thursday.

I’m a genius. Now someone go get me some tacos.