A Very Sizzlordy Valentines Day

Ahhhh Valentines Day. Yes children indeed it is that time of year again, when the world gets decked out in pink, millions of chocolates and roses walk out shop doors, and people who ignore each other for every other day of the year get together to do something romantic. While that's all well and good my favourite part about Valentines Day is the inevitable shitstorm of rants by people who have some gripe or whinge about VDay. And here, to them and you, is my counter-rant.

Ahem.

I'm going to kick this baby off by destroying the most common form of rant against Valentines Day: the "oh my lord it's so commercialised, it's not about love at all anymore". Jesus Christ what are you a fucking communist?!?!? It's called capitalism motherfucker. VDay has always been about showing your love and to show your love to a woman, you usually (I mean always) have to buy shit. So heaven forbid some entrepreneurial person would try to charge money for goods and services to cater to this captive market. It's only a heaven sent opportunity to make a huge sum of money off a global market by providing lovey-dovey shit for a single day when a human being, slash man, needs to satisfy his woman enough with material goods to get sex. If you've got a problem with the financial principle presented here, then get back behind the Iron Curtain you Stalin loving cunt.

Second only to the overcommercialisation bullshit is the "I'm single so I'm going to cry about Valentines Day because it's all about couples". Wrrrrroooonnnngggg. Valentines Day is all about the expression of love which, here's a thought, you don't need to be in a relationship to love somebody. Buy something nice for your parents, treat one of your good friends to lunch, buy your fucking dog something nice. If you're emo enough that no one actually loves you, show yourself some self love and fucking kill yourself and spare me the pain of having people talk about your rants you depressive son of a bitch. What's even worse than this is chicks who complain about being single on VDay and how crap it is. Considering it's an entire day totally devoted to the expression of love from men to women, have a cry motherfucker!!! Why don't you use the precious braincells you have left and write a rant about the gender bias and inequality of a day where one sex demands and expects love from the other, rather than whining about how bad it is that it's expected for you to receive presents.

Speaking of inequality brings me nicely to my third favourite type of VDay rant, the "Thanks to feminism and the empowerment of woman, chicks demand to be treated like princesses enough, why should we add another horrific day of glorification?". If your woman has more power over you in a relationship then you're not utilising a little biological mixture called testosterone enough!!! Your significant other shouldn't be able to breathe, she's swimming so deep in a cloud of your manliness. Western woman have come into their own in what, the last 40 or so years? Men have been arse kicking their way to glory since we were still fucking primates. While Valentines Day is an excellent oppurtunity to open up public debate on the current emasculation of men, the kind of concerted organised movement that needs to be created to effect any sort of change needs to happen on a grass roots, every day level. In other words you need to stop being such a fucking baby in your relationship, develop a semblance of the KRUM, and lay some motherfuckin' law down. Maybe then you can stop annoying me by writing shitty posts about what a ball-less piece of shit you are.

And last but not least I'd like to take this opportunity to address the people who come out of the wood work and announce to the world that relationships aren't all about one day and that you need to do something special all the time and that it means more. I actually agree with this but sit down and shut the fuck up arsehole, as far as I can recall nobody asked for, or gives a flying fuck, about your opinions.

I believe you have been served Mr Symes.

Sizzlord is a twenty-one year old professional bum, who just spent the last three months drinking and fucking to excess in far flung South-East Asia. He has only had a "serious" relationship once and he didn't quite like the chick, making him the perfect person to talk about Valentines Day and love. He enjoys excessive drinking, snorting Valium and writing bios in the third person. He is better than you.

Mid-Rant: Steak and BJ Day

In the middle of the four Valentine's Day rants, I thought I'd throw in this little baby, courtesy of Tom Birdsey.

Steak and Blowjob Day

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

Valentine's Day

The day of love, the day of people getting together or couples just celebrating being together, what a wonderful day to be alive and in love…wrong. It’s a day of men making mistakes, of harpies getting their way and of women being even more insecure and insane. My good friend Gabriel Symes mentioned it being a day where a woman can tell her man she just wants to cuddle and talk about feelings instead of make love, however I say when is there a day when a woman can’t say this? After all we all know that women are evil succubi who simply want to torture us for their own gratification and nothing gets a woman off quicker than watching a man squirm while he tries to talk about feelings (feelings rant coming soon).

Women hold so much power in relationships but they still want a day to celebrate their ability to create a pussy whipped bitch? I can understand a single woman feeling the need for a day like Valentine’s Day. Where a secret admirer can buy her gifts and sweep her off her feet in the romantic display that she has always dreamed of while masturbating over her emo rock star clippings. But I ask you do we really need a day dedicated to trying to get people together or keep them together by ‘celebrating their love’? If you can’t gutsy up the courage to tell that hottie you want to let her play ping pong with your testicles without the day of love backing you up then you really do deserve to be a pussy whipped bitch. And if you can’t hold your relationship together without a preset day each year just to be happy that you have someone then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

No this day is not necessary, it is a leach upon society but especially sucks the blood of men into their succubi mates for them. A day where your significant other should be treated like a princess, even though she is still just as demanding and domineering the rest of the year. Why do they need a day to be pampered and in charge when that is basically a relationship to begin with and god forbid you sign up to have and to hold, because all you will be having is a headache and all you will be holding is her handbag.

All of this really does beg the question however, for all we men have to do to acquire and keep a woman why are days then made to destroy us in our goal for pussy, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays, forget one of these and you might not be back on your pussy quest for quite some time. Just ask Johan what can happen when you attempt to ignore a special woman day. Furthermore where are days for men to celebrate our cunning and ability to put up with women, we get what…Father’s Day? Which requires sticking through it long enough to actually have a child and then your kid is expected to buy you shit with money that you give him (and I say him because daughters do not need to buy things for their dad because according to their mothers women are better than men).

Is it too much to ask that we men get one day in the year where we can come home and lay down in bed and say “Sorry honey, I don’t really want you to talk I just want you to suck my penis, swallow my load and then let me go to sleep”. We work hard putting up with women on a daily basis, some of them we aren’t even trying to sleep with but we still put up with them out of the kindness of our hearts. To all the women out there please do me a favour and support Shutup and Suck it Day, gifts will include things like body chocolate, oil, porn and a relaxing evening of no nagging just the pleasant squelching sound of you sucking some dick.

Sadsack is the cynic of the party, nothing in this world is too good for him to destroy with his negative attitude and overall distaste for all things. Like his fellow wangers he enjoys the brew and the postity post. Most of his work can be found here on wanglor, plans for an online comic are in the works at present but nothing official has been released.

Valentine's Day: Why?

A Rant by GabrielSymes

A dear friend of mine recently ranted about Valentine’s Day and how, as a single girl, she feels disgusted and dismayed by the romantically sickening behaviour exhibited by most, if not all, couples on Valentine’s Day.

Admittedly, it’s her first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, with hopefully no more to come. It’s not her fault, its circumstance. But the point remains. Valentine’s Day: Why?
Why does Western society (and yes, it is only a western concept now being heavily marketed in Asia) actively promote such a heinous day of romantic sap, admissions of love, and grotesque displays of public affection? And why, if it is promoted, is it also accepted?

Two questions. Two very similar answers.

The first is to why the day is promoted. The simple answer is pure capitalist commercialisation, and thats a topic that every human being on the planet can understand. We all know the day is about making money (or as Hallmark Inc. like to say Team America style "Holy Shit! It's Christmas x 2356!"). And that's far too easy a topic to argue. So we must look deeper. The commercialisation must have a basis; there must be a reason why people are willing to pay copious amounts of beer tokens (i.e. money) for goods and services that would otherwise not even be considered unless they had committed an ineffable sin such as ‘forgetting an anniversary’ or ‘just wanting to say I love you (I had sex with my hot blonde secretary so I’m assuaging my guilt)’. The goods and services reference is of course to flowers, chocolates, and those fucking annoying miniature teddy bears that serve no actual purpose unless they’re used to smuggle drugs out of a third world country via UNESCO and / or the Red Cross.

So what could this reason be? And the reason, my dear readers, is that Valentine’s Day is not a two way street. It’s not designed for romance to be encouraged between men and women. It’s designed for a woman to bask in the encouraging feelings of self-worth and the reassurance that they are, indeed, loved for "who they are". You give me one female of the species who receives no messages or indications of affection on Valentine’s Day, and I will show you a female of the species THIS CLOSE to becoming a radical feministic antichrist and massacring her entire friendship circle in a Gatorade-infused satanic pagan ritual.

Yes, that’s the end result that occurs when we men don’t show that we care for the fairer sex.

And one word there is the key; men. Men do not perform any Valentine’s Act for ourselves; we receive nothing in return except ‘affection’ and ‘her undying love’, two emotional reactions which can radically switch direction at any given moment depending on the mood of the aforementioned female and her perceptions of your alleged indiscretions or ‘issues’. We perform these acts simply to reassure the woman in the relationship that we are indeed pushed under their heel, that their methods of control are in fact working (withhold sex for a month and you’ll understand the methods I’m talking about), and that the sinister workings of her mind are working in complete concordance with the world around her.

The day is not about romance. It’s about control. And if a day purported to be all about romance is in fact not about romance, it brings us to the second question; why is it accepted?

And that reason is that women want an excuse to show off something in public to their friends, to the general population, and to the entire world at large something that are given / shown on every single other day of the year in private. The universal social acceptance is that for one day of the year, women want to show us off, and men are willing to have a ball and chain tied around both our left and right testicles and be dragged around as showpieces displaying our levels of affection and care via the purchasing of increasingly expensive gifts and larger and larger sizes of flower bouquets, jewellery, and teddy bears. The reason we as men are accepting of this is the aforementioned power and control that the women in the relationship have over our sex lives.

We accept it because our social conditioning ensures we accept it. As children, we’re encouraged to write Valentine’s Day cards to be delivered to other kids in pre-school class. As young adults, we see the older adults engaging in Valentine’s Day acts with no regard for the social or commercial consequences of their actions. And as older adults, we are conditioned to assume that we are predestined to perform those very same acts.

It’s not romance.
It’s not cute, it’s not cuddly, and it’s not an indication of how much we love you.

You already know how much we care for you, and it’s pointless to administer this lesson in emasculation to provide you with some glowing feeling deep in your loins that may or (as is often the case) may not lead to sexual gratification of any kind. I again point to an example where this is the one night of the year when the woman can go "Baby, let’s just cuddle, ok? I want to see how much you love me by not letting you roger me five ways from Sunday. Now let’s watch the marathon of Sex and The City and talk about our feelings. By the way, my mother is coming over later."

Valentine’s Day is an overcommercialised, overhyped, overplayed, overused, overrated emasculation of the male of the species. It’s nothing more, and simply nothing less, than a day to reassure women around the world that they’re "loved". And by loved, I mean in control.

But as a final point, lets say that Lennon and McCartney were right and that all you need is love. If you need that love to be proven to you and paraded around in front of every person on the planet, then you don’t really know what love is and couldn’t hope to find it in a shoebox full of porn.

Rebut away, Mr. Sizzlord. Rebut away.

GabrielSymes is The Man Who Was Thursday, and is currently based in situ around the world. He calls Brisbane home more often than not, and likes the odd beer or twelve. View more of his writings on Wangthai, and plans are in motion to have an opinion blog set up post haste.

Valentine's Day Rants

Ladies and gentlemen, a challenge was issued and has been answered by four of the five Wanglor Elite. We are to rant on the topic of Valentine's Day. No limitations aside from several restrictions on people/couples we know. Collaborative efforts are allowed. Our aim is to offend as many people as possible in our one sided mysognistic rants against the day that is St Valentine's.

Bring on the rants.

Night Clerks 2: Do you believe in that?

The other night we were having some pizza and people were complaining that we had no chocolate, so Tristan and I took off down to the local servo in search of some late night munchies. 30 seconds after we'd passed through the door, we'd found exactly what we wanted and proceeded to the register to pay for our food. Now I've previously mentioned how its possible for the night clerks to fuck with you and it appears that this guy had exactly that idea. As I was paying for the chocolate, he spotted I was wearing my evolution shirt, which has a diagram of a man evolving from an ape through to a man and then a man with a beer.

Attendant: Do you believe in that?
Me: Believe in what?
Attendant: Evolution
Me: Umm, yeah (sensing trouble)
Attendant: I don't, all the answers are in the bible

Now... seeing the impending danger from the attendant who is quite obviously of a middle eastern decent, I've started to get ready for a quick escape. In a fantastic counter move, the guy has placed the chocolate on his side of the counter making it impossible for me to make the quick exit without looking like a complete jerk. Quickly seeing that he has the upper hand he begins lecturing me about how the bible/koran has predicted both the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and how something massive is coming. I also got to hear stories about the creation of earth, my personal favourites were the adam's apple story and the salty sea story.

Apparently the story of why man has an adam's apple is because while in the garden of eden he decided to listen to Eve and chow down on an apple that he wasn't supposed to and as punishment he was chucked out and given a lump in the throat. The salty sea story was somewhat related being about Adam too. Story here goes that he was so unhappy that he betrayed his god and cried himself a sea (not like an emo who would decide he had to provide the sea with blood from cuts off his wrist).

Believe it or not, the story gets more interesting...

Attendant: Now I'm a second year biomedical student and they're teaching me all of this stuff about evolution, it makes it very hard for me.
Me: Unhuh
Attendant: But you have to follow your beliefs, my friends have cut me off because of it

Now, if you decide to believe in a religion thats fine... I respect that. At what point can a person go to university to study biomedical science and then decide to disregard a fundamental theory that science is based on? I mean seriously, you're talking about the fact that cells adapt and evolve to their environment... If you can't deal with the fact that it happens and has alot of scientific weight behind it then you probably shouldn't be in the biomedical field. Reading a book isn't going to stop bones being dug up and scientists watching things on a smaller scale (cells) evolving and mutating. You can't just decide that the earth isn't the millions of years old that the same scientific processes you're going to be using have proved.

I actually thought I may never run into a person that has interpreted religion/religious scripture so literally. If you want to believe something is out there and that something kicked off the universe then thats fine. Disregarding modern science is something from the middle ages and you're diluting yourself if you think that the bible/koran is still the definitive on how everything happened. Something that got written a few thousand years ago is bound to have some errors along the way somewhere, for all we know the bible may not have even got a proof read. So sure, believe but don't turn it into a literal translation.

This was actually meant to be a quick 5 minute trip to grab some chocolate and I ended up with some dude lecturing me about religious beliefs.... I managed to escape shortly after he told me he didn't believe in drinking either... I hope he got a great look of me drinking the rest of my beer as we bailed out of the place. I admire his fantastic move to stall me and generally make that 10mins in front of the counter some of the most uncomfortable I've experienced. It just proves that the average night clerk will do anything to hold up/completely root your night around.

Blendered Love

Debauchery

It appears that even though the five of us are both countries and thousands of kilometres apart, we still manage to engage in debaucherous and some might even say lecherous behaviour bordering on the criminal and marginally criminally insane. A round of applause for us all.

Tonight I am feeling in an increasingly erudite and loquacious mood, thereunto leading towards a missive of increased verbosity and the prolongation of erstwhile unanimous incredulity should a prehistoric acumen such as Sizzlord's stumble across it.

....

Right, fuck that, its easier to write normally. Well done to the boys for engaging in what I've heard was an excellent endeavour at the Rubics Cube part-ay. And by boys I mean Sadsack. At least someone is carrying on the naked tradition eschued by Wanglor. What's with the no-show Mr.Love? Did the bright colours offend you? I told you that just because we're not around doesn't mean he can act like a little girl. But does he listen?

No. They never do. And that's a lesson we all must take on board.

Anyway, we just escaped (and I mean literally escaped, that town wouldn't fucking let us go) Vang Vieng, the party capital of the UNIVERSE. We are physically feeling like ratshit because four constant days of partying, drinking, walking, talking, tubing, and multidious other activities just knocked the shit out of us. So if you ever hear us complaining about being too tired for a party, just remind us of Vang Vieng. And we'll have all the energy in the world.

As for cunt and fuck, we find it increasingly difficult to not colour our comments with our favourite swearwords. It'll become a bit of an issue when we get home and we, say, stub our toe. "Fucking cunt fuck! Drew! Fucking OW!" will be my phrase, as I always need Drew to lean on when I kick my poor broken toe. Drew, on the other hand, will be more like an elongated "CUUUUUUUNTTTTTTT!" in the sense of "Khaaaaaaaaaan!" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. We're also quite fond of the words "piss", "fart", "dusseldorf" and "bratwurst", although the German name thing will need to be explained when we return.

The Return is approaching, gentlemen. Prepare thyselves. And thy happy holes.

Don't Censor Me Woman

One of the greatest things about travelling in foreign countries is that they don't speak your language and usually when they do, they don't speak it very well. This allows people, say 2-3 Aussies travelling through South-East Asia, to swear with impunity anywhere, anytime with anything. Jono before he left us was actually quite concerned that we'd gotten so used to it that he'd go home and start randomly saying "fuck" and "cunt" when talking to his family.

Adam and I are actually so used to it now that we had problem when we started travelling with the chicks Jess and Alli. Mainly because they don't like the word cunt and we use it as every third word (every second word is fuck). Given the fact that the girls back home also don't like the word cunt I took great delight in going apeshit and swearing with it constantly. Which lead to a vicious cycle. Alli in particular doesn't like it and took to slapping my head everytime I said it. As retalition I'd do something equally annoying and slap her arse. Apparently it's quite funny in a restaruant to see me say cunt, her: fucker!!! *wack*, me: bitch!!! *wack*, me: it's only cunt, her: FUCKER!! *WACK*, me: BITCH! *wack*.

The best part is that everyone other backpacker, including chicks, say it and it' hilarious to watch the massive shitstorm that erupts when our girls go psycho about it to other people. Hopefully we can catch it on film soon and post it :P So yeah not much of a story but I'm fucking tired so eat shit.

Sizzlord

Rubix Cube Party

We attended a rubix cube party for Amy's birthday, the idea is that you wear different colours of the rubix cube and then when the time comes each person is given a colour and you then have to swap clothing to amass as much of your colour as possible. Of course I believed that this party would lead to much drunken nudity while swapping clothes....how wrong I was. There was only one drunken and nude participant and I'm proud to announce that was me.



As you can see I was given the colour red...for those of you who don't know me I'm the near naked person covered in a mixture of red sashes, belts and hats. Although I was a large hunk of naked man meat I still ended up coming a joint first with two other people for having seven items of my colour. Other than my brush with public nudity the party was quite a success, many drinks were drunk, many wangs were photographed...ok just my wang, I really do wonder why Ben took that close up photo.

Unfortunately my compadre Blenderedlove was unable to attend the festivities and only showed up later for a brief period then buggered off and left me with a pair of overly horny birthday celebrants. I'm sorry to the thai travellers but your little angel may have been violated beyond repair before your return and you will need to take it easy on my fun tunnel.

P.S. I'm so glad I wore red underwear or else I really would have ended up naked.