That Friend

In life you will always meet people who just seem to fail at everything, especially what they care about the most. Now my friend only cares about getting laid or being in a relationship. These are the tales of Rick, I honestly wonder if I will ever meet another human being who fails as much. Rick is the little train that couldn't but he chugs along anyway. If you take anything from the tales of Rick let it be that trying harder does not necessarily increase your chances of success.

Rick has had several sexual relationships spanning for anywhere from weeks to over a year, so he has not always failed when it comes to women. However most people do feel that some of his previous relationships started under questionable circumstances. It has only been over the past year or so that he has hit this dry spell and consequently is drifting lower and lower into insanity. It must be understood that Rick is the kind of person who uses his partner to carry all of his emotional baggage and without a relationship or at least sex for a quick self-esteem boost he becomes increasingly desperate.

Jane

Jane is a good friend of one of our best chick friends, Nicole. Rick had chatted up a chick on the plane this week and gotten her number, then gone out on a date with a different girl who he basically tried to molest in the cinema and then she told him she just wanted to be friends. After this he went back to the girl from the plane who had actually given him a wrong number. Guess he isn't as smooth as he thinks. After this he went to Jane nearing the end of the week and told her that he had really been hoping to go out to dinner on Saturday night but his plans had fallen through. So he asks Jane to go with him as a friend so that he could still use his dinner reservation and wouldn't feel lonely....he convinced her by saying "keep in mind that if you say no you will be the third girl to reject me this week". Now if that isn't a smooth con I don't know what is.

On the night of this dinner date I was at a 21st with the rest of the boys. Rick later attended with Jane in tow and it is important to note that all the information was not made available to us until after the party. However I will try to tell this in chronological order. Let us begin with Rick picking up Jane.

Rick arrived at Jane's house to drive her to dinner, he spoke with her parents a bit while she finished getting ready, he felt they liked him and things were going well. We believe they most likely disliked him and felt he was a complete creep. After Jane was ready they went out to the car, upon opening the door she found a rose left for her on the passenger seat. Rick then proceeded to ask her for a kiss. Jane went to oblige with a kiss on the cheek and he turned his head at the last moment to steal a proper one. Quite smooth from a serial rapists perspective I guess.

On to dinner where we were informed that Rick made many lame jokes and boring conversation and got Jane as drunk as he possibly could. A walk followed dinner where Rick asked for hugs and kisses as often as he could. We are unsure if he got them or not. Then they joined us at the party, to us at the party they appeared to be getting on fabulously, we did not know how to take this at first until later when I was able to speak to Jane without the singing freak hovering over her. Jane seemed concerned that Rick was after a lot more than just friendship out of this dinner and questioned me on whether or not everything would be ok. To which I honestly told her that when taking her home he would either try to convince her to go back to his place or let him stay at hers.

The initial panic overcome Jane began to question me on what to do and I offered her two options. Get a lift with me in the morning as I was too inebriated to drive at that time or be honest with Rick, tell him that she wasn't interested and to back off. Rick will not take subtle hints. He will blatantly ignore them in the hope that he can take advantage of someone who is too polite to say no. Jane told me she couldn't be that harsh but I made it clear it was her only choice. During our conversation Rick hovered around continually trying to eaves drop and pressuring Jane that it was time to leave. The best parting advice Drew and I could give to her was "No means no".

We were later informed that on the ride back to her place Rick tried to cool it down a bit, realising that he was going to fast and thinking of securing a second date by doing all that he could to seem like a nice kind of guy that a chick should want to see again. In Rick's version he got a vague promise of a second date and a makeout session in the car...Jane's version of events is somewhat different. In Jane's version there was no makeout session and Rick laid on a heap of crap about being really tired and how he probably shouldn't drive home like that and Jane had to get her sister to come down and get rid of him because he simply would not leave.

Since then Rick basically stalked her for a few weeks, showing up when she was shopping with her mother, leaving countless messages and calls on her phone, finding out her work and uni timetables and then messaging her just after she finished up asking her to go somewhere. Now it is also important to note that while basically stalking this poor girl Rick still continued to try to hook up with any chick he would meet, this man is so sex depraved that even when he thinks he has one on the line he’s still looking for more and is completely unwilling to let one go.

If you have read this and saw many similarities between yourself and Rick you should seriously consider seeking help, we have tried to help our friend but he refuses to accept that he is a fuckup. We owe it to women out there to tell his tales and to warn them of the real dangers, you could get raped any day of the week, or stalked or sexually harassed at work, but it would never prepare you for Rick. In a few years I honestly do see him becoming all of those things and more.

Young Sizzlord and the Attractive Sales Lady

Okay this is a bit of a random post, I don't really tell this story much and I hardly ever remember it so I decided to commit it to the blog for all eternity.

It all begins one day when Sizzlord is a fresh 17 year old and living at home alone for the very first time while his family was off pissing about New Zealand. There was a knock on the door so I answer it to be greeted by this stunningly cute young woman selling phone shit for Optus. She does her spiel, I do mine about how I'm not interested, she makes some comment about how hot it is (I'm pretty sure it was the tail end of summer, so Feb/March) and I agree, she asks for a water and without thinking, I say sure and invite her inside.

What followed was me having an indepth, totally barrier free, conversation with a gorgeous Philipino lady for nearly three hours. And I mean indepth we talked about her sex life, trouble with boyfriends, crazy shit other workmates get up to with people, how I'm finding highschool, what I wanna do after, whether I have a girlfriend, what her big hopes and dreams are. You name it we talked about it. What was fucking incredible about the whole surreal experience was how amazingly smooth it was. You hear about people have perfect "game" where they meet a chick and shit just happens. It sounds corny because I was so young but that's exactly what it was like. A perfect game. The finale to the whole thing when she finally had to go was that we exchanged numbers and she also decided to give me her friends number, who worked as a stripper at Showgirls (I think) in the City, saying she could hook me up with an awesome deal for my 18th with her and her stripper friend.

That's about as much as I can remember and I'm pretty sure I've told the story really shittely but at least I mite remember it a bit more now.

I also just found that I still have her name and number in my phone. Oh yes next time I'm out drinking someones going to get a phone call, muahahahah!

I Don't Like Thursdays

People always have days that they hate. A lot of people hate Mondays. Garfield hates Mondays. Some people hate Sunday, because they know Monday is coming. Me? I don’t like Thursdays.

I’ve never really gotten the hang of Thursday. It’s just a big tease of a day; the kind of thing you know is coming and you can’t avoid it. It’s a useless day: it’s the day after hump day, but it’s the day BEFORE the end of the week. Nothing good ever happens on a Thursday. Think about it. Everyone is gearing down for the weekend, so no one wants to do any real work. How often do you sit there and go “Oh, it’s Thursday, tomorrow’s Friday, I’ll just leave this work here until Monday.” I know I do. I normally hide whatever work I should be doing underneath something much more interesting. Like my pet rock.

Thursday was invented by someone without a soul. How do I know this? Only a person without any compassion at all could possibly conceive of a day like Thursday. Someone back in the annals of time sat there and went “How can I fuck with humanity for the rest of their existence?” Oddly enough, this thought has actually been had by more than a few people over the last few thousand years. One guy came up with the idea for an advanced goods and services exchange system and called it money. Another bloke with too much time on his hands thought up the genius idea of organised religion. And then, one fine Wednesday afternoon, some inconsiderate prick had a brainfart and thought “Holy shit! I’ll make a day between now and Friday and call it THURSDAY! No one will do any work, and everyone will hate it! I’m a genius! ROFLWTFBBQ! I feel like tacos.”

As you can see, this man was clearly insane.

I propose the following moratorium to the Gregorian calendar system: tell Thursday to politely fuck off, and replace it with Funday. It’s a new day between Saturday and Sunday, designed to help people shake off their hangovers. It’s the modern day Sabbath; you get to do nothing, lounge around, and not feel guilty about being lazy. It's a much better proposal than the current incarnation of Thursday.

I’m a genius. Now someone go get me some tacos.

Sadsack's guide on going nuts.

We have noticed through personal observation and generally being better than everyone else that we are awesome. This leads us to somewhat of a problem as noone can match how incredible we are and so how can anyone entertain us as much as we do each other? With this in mind I have devised the guide on going nuts.

The first rule to going nuts is to stop caring, I mean think about it you only live once and you will probably never see the randoms in public again so what is the harm in fucking with them a bit? Next up you need to understand what is appropriate in certain situations, a good sense of propriety will help you to understand the correct way to behave and once you know this you can do the opposite.

Through this guide I'll look at three simple places to begin as you are just learning for now so we will start out slow. First up we have while eating, it doesn't matter where you are eating there are always unmentioned rules, like if you are in a restaurant having a nice dinner you should use a knife and fork, well screw that, have you ever seen a person try to use their hand to eat soup? I don't mean tipping the bowl and slurping from it either, I mean ladling it out all over their face, let me just say hilarity does ensue. However on to simpler stuff, like a family restaurant maccas for example, do stupid shit, pay out customers, steal posters, order things that aren't on the menu, complain about not getting what you ordered when it was exactly what you ordered, throw your pickles at friends or children who pass by. The list goes on and on for dives like that, afterall everyone in there is only one step above complete insanity anyway.

Next we have in public, being in public is great because everyone expects you to give them their own personal bubble which you should respect and not interfere with....WRONG. Shout obscenities as loud as you can, pretend to be retarded and bump into people then go nuts when they try to apologise and if you are really daring fake a mugging or something.

Now my personal favourite is improper toilet behaviour, lose your inhibitions, get noisy, get nasty and most of all get dirty. For the ladies out there pick a stall right next to someone and blast away then start moaning or talking to your urine whatever takes your fancy, say things like 'thats it flow for mamma' and 'oh god this urine is making me thirsty'. For guys it is generally less advised unless you are either masochistic or capable of taking care of yourself to screw with people at the urinal, however you can always go into a stall and pretend to be masturbating or combine improper urination with public places. If you have ever heard a story of us at Mt. Cootha and some bad peeing you would understand just why this is my favourite way to do something crazy.

You have some basics now so let me share some things to remember, try not to fuck with people you don't know too much, we try not to ruin other peoples evening/lives but we can't resist screwing with them a bit. Get yourself some friends who also enjoy going crazy and who can laugh at anything and by anything I don't mean lame garbage crap I mean you can find a funny side to anything....ESPECIALLY cancer. Got Life?